I Cried in Pre-School Today

I was planning to come home after dropping the kids at school to finish up a Dear Daddy post [my dad]. However, something else took precedent and I just had to pen this down instead. 

It was 0700 hours and I got awoken by the sound of pee in the toilet. Ewan woke up and cleared 10 hours worth of urine. A flush and I knew he would come to my room to greet me with a hearty Good Morning. Faye came over at the same time and they climbed in to snuggle up with me. 

The first four minutes were sweet between the siblings as they exchanged hugs, their morning greetings and crazy roll-in-bed laughters. Then, as always, things start to heat up. Ewan would get rough with his play or demand his sister to not do this and that. I let them be to settle their own issues until Faye was screaming at her brother to STOP RESTING HIS LEGS AND BODY ON HER! 

I told him once, twice, five or six times to please stop disturbing his sister but he wouldn't budge. To top that all up, he said things like, "I want to be rude! I am not going to listen." With every warning, comes the ultimatum. I got out of bed and ordered him to do the same. As I was speaking to him about his behaviour and attitude, he walked out on me to the living room. Why of course I could not let that go. What signals would I be sending if I turned my back and told Faye, "It's okay. Ignore him."

Firstly, I have to address the problem with regards to my son's defiance. Bad behaviours cannot be condoned because it will only snowball. 

Secondly, my daughter has to learn that walking away will not solve anything. Of course, I wanted to take the chance to show her that mommy means business if she had been rude too. 

Oh I tell you. It is so so so so easy to just wave it off at 0715 hours in the morning. Why get the whole house shaking when it could have been peaceful right?

I went to the kitchen where I kept the cane [balloon sticks]. Before I could even reach out for it, Ewan was begging me in between tears to stop. I told him clearly that if he did not want this to happen, he shouldn't have been rude in the first place. Faye watched as I lashed out facts to Ewan. She watched me intently and fearfully. I looked at her, thankful she was taking all these in. 

It is very crucial to maintain a clear mind when disciplining children. No matter how angry I may be, I make sure that the children get their due punishment only if they cooperate. So, no blind caning on hands or legs or body when they do not see it coming. No caning out of anger but cane for the sole purpose of discipline. 

M: Ewan. You know very well what you've done wrong. 

E: *WAILS* Yesssssss! I was rude.

M: So you choose. Which hand.

E: *WAILS* NOooooooo! No Mommy! I won't do it again!

M: It's good that you will not do it again but you don't seem to remember each time. So I have to cane you once for you to remember this. 

E: *WAILS* Nooooo! I don't want!

M: You choose. Which hand? Otherwise your leg.

E: *WAILS* Nooooo! I don't want leg!

It goes on for a very very very long while. Under any circumstances, the disciplinarian would have crumbled and hit aimlessly. It is very trying you know? But I held back my horses. 

Eventually, he chose to put out his left hand. I applauded his bravery because it is hard to agree to be caned isn't it? For a four year old especially. 

I will only strike once. Are my hits hard you might ask?

Some say, "They won't be afraid one lor if you don't give them jialat jialat!"

Maybe for some kids but I know Ewan. He would already be crying at the extreme spectrum of JIALAT as soon as I turn my back at him to pick the cane up. 

Anyway, I experimented. 

I caned him with just a touch of the cane on his palm and I caned him really hard [on different occasions]. His reaction to both were the same.  He would wail his lungs out even with that little tap on his palm. He would cry and crumble onto the floor even when there was no pain at all. I assume he cried louder because this torment of "Give Me Your Hand" is over and he crumbles to the floor out of relief that mommy had been kind with her hit.

It is the fear of pain that wakes them up so whether or not you strike it hard, the message will still be put across. At least that is what I believe.

Now what happened in school that got me tearing in public after I dropped the kids off?

*sigh* Ewan told his English teacher he did not want to say Goodbye to mommy and added, "I will always be rude." [Oh man! Now you will say caning must be jialat jialat cause he had not learnt anything from the morning's episode right?] But he said it with his eyes all welled up with tears. I was heartbroken when I looked at him and knew he did not know how else to express his sadness but to pretend to be angry instead. 

He was very strong. I watched him fight his tears back so very hard, refusing to look me in the eye because he was afraid he would "lose" by breaking down. I walked away as advised by his English teacher; to give him some time alone to collect himself. So I sent Faye to her classroom. 

As I was about to put everything behind me, go home and write that Dear Daddy post because I had been writing too many articles about my mother, Ewan's Chinese teacher walked towards me with my son in her hands. 

We kneeled down to his level and gave him time to compose himself. He was still clenching his teeth and fighting really hard not to let that little tear roll down his cheek. Oh I saw that and my heart was heavy. 

His Chinese teacher wanted him to apologise to me for saying what he said because no child should speak to their parents like that. She was gentle and encouraging, acknowledging his sadness and  asking him if he thought it was right to be impolite. He shook his head but still, could not look me in the eye; still fighting back his tears. I, on the other hand, could not contain mine! I was tearing from one eye to another until I was totally embarrassed that other teachers and parents saw me losing it at school. 

He knew if he said a single word, just one word, he would break down. My son was trying to man up!

But darling, do not forget what daddy told you,

"It takes a real man to apologise"

Ewan apologised and as soon as he said it, he dissolved into tears. I hugged him really tight and told him I forgave him. His Chinese teacher hugged him even tighter [and longer] and told him "我也原谅你". Right after those hugs, Ewan couldn't stop crying, "I want mommy to stay!" 

Well, I had to go. Not because I want to but moms can't stay in school right?

I was crying because I was touched by the efforts his teachers put in in righting his wrong. Not only was she encouraging Ewan to be brave, she had one had on my back to support my emotions as well. 

With so much running through me this morning, the only way I know how to relief my tension is to write.

Oh dearie me, and I had to raise my voice at my kiddo the next day in school in front of so many people.

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