Children and Cemetaries
I conceived Ewan three months after my mother passed away [apologies for yet another Dear Mommy post] and I do believe in spirits. I have encounters with them ever since I was a child so they do not really frighten me much. As long as they stay in their realm and don't cross boundaries over mine, I am fine. Respect of personal space is important right? Oh I do not have a third eye but I get disturbed by them in dreams and the most vivid one happened at home when I was pregnant. It spoke to me; a male because it was a man's voice. I replied out loud that I do not want to be disturbed but the last straw came when it sent me a terrible dream with a hospital bed at the foot of my bed willing me to give birth months before my due date. It wasn't only that but I shan't go into anymore details lest it gives you the freaks.
I was home alone because Meyer was out on a business trip. Too much Yin 阴气; not enough Yang 阳气. The first thing I did at daybreak was texted my girlfriend who booked me a room in the hotel she worked. I was not intending to go home until Meyer returned because well, I was genuinely frightened this time.
So yes, I do believe in spirits.
My mother left the decision to me if she would receive a burial or a cremation. Knowing my mom and her preference, we went for a burial. Ever since 2011 after she passed on, I never went back to visit her. That is five straight years since her passing because...
I got pregnant in 2011 and they say, "Pantang! Pregnant woman cannot go to cemetery."
Then Ewan was born, "Pantang ah! Cannot bring a baby to cemetery ah."
When I was ready to bring my one year old to visit his late grandma, people say, "Filial piety remains in the heart. You need not be there right? What if Ewan brings home some vicious spirits?"
Before I know it, I was pregnant again and so, "Pantang! Pregnant woman cannot go to cemetery."
And when Faye was 'of age' [in my opinion] again to go to the cemetery, a handful still advises me otherwise. They say my mother would have understood that we should keep young children away from graveyards.
I don't know really. How we are swayed by what others say that got us all worried about having to exorcise ghosts if we indeed brought home one. We are not pantang people actually. When old folks told us we cannot fix the cot or paint the wall during pregnancy, I found it a little absurd. I can understand that the fumes of the paints can potentially be poisonous but it definitely will not be the cause of a birthmark. Well, we moved house twice during both my pregnancies, fixed and moved beds, painted walls and did everything we weren't supposed to. We turned out fine and I did not suffer any miscarriages. Erm.. Ewan and Faye do not have any birthmarks.
So this year, on my birthday when I published My Maid Is My Mother, I told my husband that I'd really like the whole family to make a trip to the cemetery. I know for sure there are spirits but I know as well that if we were respectful, we should be fine.
He agreed. He read my post and he agreed.
We took the morning of 2nd January 2017 to make this introduction between children and grandmother. Ewan was four years old and Faye was two. We went to the wet market and got the kids to put together a bouquet of flowers for my mother [and my grandmother since they are laid down to rest pretty close by]. Ewan chose a single red carnation and insisted there will only be one red flower in the bouquet. Meyer actually put together the rest because Faye was indecisive like every woman is.
Wait. Are we not supposed to bring Reds to the graves?
Lessons about Death with kids.
There will never be a right time or age to talk to our children about death. I recall a few conversations with other moms who finds death a taboo to talk about. As much as possible, they would refrain from exposing their children to the word or to any kind of experience that may lead to it. For example, no rearing fish because when they eventually die [which may be very soon because nobody knows how to handle PH levels well enough], their children may not be able to handle the loss.
With all due respect, I accept their opinions on it.
What do I think?
Where there is life, there is death. We will all eventually die and I do not hold back my conversations about death with Ewan and Faye. I feel that they will better understand the value of life when they know that death awaits. I told them not to be afraid when the time comes for me or daddy or anyone else whom they care about. We will grief. Our hearts will be unbearably painful that it feels like it is bleeding from the inside. That everyone has their time on Earth and we have to accept that death will come. Go on living after and live the best life you can. Most importantly, appreciate your loved ones.
Ewan is an emotional child. He listened and he cried. He felt sad thinking about our inevitable departure but I think it is important for him to understand. Also for the children to know that every animal has a mother and that we have no right to squash even an ant. Literally, Live and Let Live. Oh we try. Before the dreaded Zika and Dengue, my dad used to tell me, "These mozzies are just sucking our blood for survival. Their lifespan is only about 50 days! So how about allowing them to feed and let them live their full lives?" So ya. I used to just fan them away. Today, we have to end their lives prematurely for survival. This is evolution!
I was home alone because Meyer was out on a business trip. Too much Yin 阴气; not enough Yang 阳气. The first thing I did at daybreak was texted my girlfriend who booked me a room in the hotel she worked. I was not intending to go home until Meyer returned because well, I was genuinely frightened this time.
So yes, I do believe in spirits.
My mother left the decision to me if she would receive a burial or a cremation. Knowing my mom and her preference, we went for a burial. Ever since 2011 after she passed on, I never went back to visit her. That is five straight years since her passing because...
I got pregnant in 2011 and they say, "Pantang! Pregnant woman cannot go to cemetery."
Then Ewan was born, "Pantang ah! Cannot bring a baby to cemetery ah."
When I was ready to bring my one year old to visit his late grandma, people say, "Filial piety remains in the heart. You need not be there right? What if Ewan brings home some vicious spirits?"
Before I know it, I was pregnant again and so, "Pantang! Pregnant woman cannot go to cemetery."
And when Faye was 'of age' [in my opinion] again to go to the cemetery, a handful still advises me otherwise. They say my mother would have understood that we should keep young children away from graveyards.
I don't know really. How we are swayed by what others say that got us all worried about having to exorcise ghosts if we indeed brought home one. We are not pantang people actually. When old folks told us we cannot fix the cot or paint the wall during pregnancy, I found it a little absurd. I can understand that the fumes of the paints can potentially be poisonous but it definitely will not be the cause of a birthmark. Well, we moved house twice during both my pregnancies, fixed and moved beds, painted walls and did everything we weren't supposed to. We turned out fine and I did not suffer any miscarriages. Erm.. Ewan and Faye do not have any birthmarks.
So this year, on my birthday when I published My Maid Is My Mother, I told my husband that I'd really like the whole family to make a trip to the cemetery. I know for sure there are spirits but I know as well that if we were respectful, we should be fine.
He agreed. He read my post and he agreed.
We took the morning of 2nd January 2017 to make this introduction between children and grandmother. Ewan was four years old and Faye was two. We went to the wet market and got the kids to put together a bouquet of flowers for my mother [and my grandmother since they are laid down to rest pretty close by]. Ewan chose a single red carnation and insisted there will only be one red flower in the bouquet. Meyer actually put together the rest because Faye was indecisive like every woman is.
Wait. Are we not supposed to bring Reds to the graves?
Lessons about Death with kids.
There will never be a right time or age to talk to our children about death. I recall a few conversations with other moms who finds death a taboo to talk about. As much as possible, they would refrain from exposing their children to the word or to any kind of experience that may lead to it. For example, no rearing fish because when they eventually die [which may be very soon because nobody knows how to handle PH levels well enough], their children may not be able to handle the loss.
With all due respect, I accept their opinions on it.
What do I think?
Where there is life, there is death. We will all eventually die and I do not hold back my conversations about death with Ewan and Faye. I feel that they will better understand the value of life when they know that death awaits. I told them not to be afraid when the time comes for me or daddy or anyone else whom they care about. We will grief. Our hearts will be unbearably painful that it feels like it is bleeding from the inside. That everyone has their time on Earth and we have to accept that death will come. Go on living after and live the best life you can. Most importantly, appreciate your loved ones.
Ewan is an emotional child. He listened and he cried. He felt sad thinking about our inevitable departure but I think it is important for him to understand. Also for the children to know that every animal has a mother and that we have no right to squash even an ant. Literally, Live and Let Live. Oh we try. Before the dreaded Zika and Dengue, my dad used to tell me, "These mozzies are just sucking our blood for survival. Their lifespan is only about 50 days! So how about allowing them to feed and let them live their full lives?" So ya. I used to just fan them away. Today, we have to end their lives prematurely for survival. This is evolution!
Arriving at my mother's grave, I was surprised to find this cute little grass-laid step constructed by one of my mom's neighbours for visitors to climb up that little slope with much ease! I told Meyer, "Oh gosh! It's like I'm at the Shire!"
I have to give this loving husband of mine credit. He had been sweeping his mother-in-law's grave for the past five years when I was "unavailable" to attend. When I saw him went straight to cleaning the tombstone with much familiarisation, I felt so proud of him. No gripes, no complains and no hesitation. He was very much loved by my mother when she was alive. My mother would call Meyer every morning just to say hello and catch up on daily news [complains and nags]. My husband would patiently listen to her and give her the much needed time to rant.
The children were introduced to their grandmother for the first time. Ewan, my usual chatty boy, refused to say a word. He picked up dirt on the tombstone [following his father], placed the flowers in and watered it with the water from his bottle. All he said was Hi and Bye. I did not follow up with him on his thoughts but I know he knows and he did not want to show his emotions. Then one day he asked me where are his grandparents' parents? I told him that they have all passed away and got him to appreciate the last standing great grandmother he has [my dad's mom]. He replied, "Lao Ma would like us to go to her house every day right? She is thinking of us every day right?" Yes baby boy. You got it right.
Faye. She surprised me by introducing herself to grandma! A surprised because she is usually the tight-lipped one. She stood in front of the tombstone and parroted what I told her to say, "Hi grandma! My name is Faye Faye. I hope you are happy grandma. I love you." and ended with a flying kiss [click link to watch]. It was so precious I could have cried.
Thinking back, I found it a very healthy trip for the whole family. My mom may no longer be there. Probably won't be able to hear or see us; or maybe she did. But, Ewan and Faye now know what it means when I say "Grandma has passed away five years ago" and all the talks about death mommy's been telling them is actually real [I don't talk about it every day ah please *haha*]. It is like putting a face to a name you know? And finding out for themselves what it really meant.
My mother was buried in a Buddhist cemetery where every Chinese tomb is shaped the same. You know? Like follow a mould and replicate. We all know how much my mother liked to be different and she was always standing out in a crowd. We designed her tomb differently from the rest. Giving it her favourite colour Black in a modern design and inscribing a Buddhist scripture on her tombstone instead.
Will you take time to take in this scripture? There is nothing religious about it because Buddhism is simply a path of practice leading to insight into the true nature of reality. It applies to all human beings, no matter which religion you follow.
It's funny to find many joss sticks at her tombstone. Bhuddists do not burn joss sticks but I felt rather grateful to all our friends and family or even strangers who came by to pay their respects in their own ways. Goes to show that religions have no boundaries and I have utmost respect to these people.
So children, when my time has come. I would like my body to be donated, allowing doctors and medical students the ability to research new life-saving medical and surgical procedures and techniques. You can always remember me in your hearts because I would like to continue contributing the society even after I am gone.
Read more about it at LiveOn.
I have to give this loving husband of mine credit. He had been sweeping his mother-in-law's grave for the past five years when I was "unavailable" to attend. When I saw him went straight to cleaning the tombstone with much familiarisation, I felt so proud of him. No gripes, no complains and no hesitation. He was very much loved by my mother when she was alive. My mother would call Meyer every morning just to say hello and catch up on daily news [complains and nags]. My husband would patiently listen to her and give her the much needed time to rant.
The children were introduced to their grandmother for the first time. Ewan, my usual chatty boy, refused to say a word. He picked up dirt on the tombstone [following his father], placed the flowers in and watered it with the water from his bottle. All he said was Hi and Bye. I did not follow up with him on his thoughts but I know he knows and he did not want to show his emotions. Then one day he asked me where are his grandparents' parents? I told him that they have all passed away and got him to appreciate the last standing great grandmother he has [my dad's mom]. He replied, "Lao Ma would like us to go to her house every day right? She is thinking of us every day right?" Yes baby boy. You got it right.
Faye. She surprised me by introducing herself to grandma! A surprised because she is usually the tight-lipped one. She stood in front of the tombstone and parroted what I told her to say, "Hi grandma! My name is Faye Faye. I hope you are happy grandma. I love you." and ended with a flying kiss [click link to watch]. It was so precious I could have cried.
Thinking back, I found it a very healthy trip for the whole family. My mom may no longer be there. Probably won't be able to hear or see us; or maybe she did. But, Ewan and Faye now know what it means when I say "Grandma has passed away five years ago" and all the talks about death mommy's been telling them is actually real [I don't talk about it every day ah please *haha*]. It is like putting a face to a name you know? And finding out for themselves what it really meant.
My mother was buried in a Buddhist cemetery where every Chinese tomb is shaped the same. You know? Like follow a mould and replicate. We all know how much my mother liked to be different and she was always standing out in a crowd. We designed her tomb differently from the rest. Giving it her favourite colour Black in a modern design and inscribing a Buddhist scripture on her tombstone instead.
Will you take time to take in this scripture? There is nothing religious about it because Buddhism is simply a path of practice leading to insight into the true nature of reality. It applies to all human beings, no matter which religion you follow.
It's funny to find many joss sticks at her tombstone. Bhuddists do not burn joss sticks but I felt rather grateful to all our friends and family or even strangers who came by to pay their respects in their own ways. Goes to show that religions have no boundaries and I have utmost respect to these people.
Remember
what really matters in life is
not wealth, success, power, fame or glory.
What matters most are
qualities of the heart, such as
Love, Kindness and Wisdom.
If you love, even now, with your whole heart,
if you are kind to all your fellow beings,
and if, with each passing day,
you are learning and becoming wiser,
then rest assured your life
is meaningful and worthwhile.
And when you die,
as we all must one day,
you will be happy knowing
that
you have not lived in vain,
that yours is a life well-lived,
a life that is noble and true.
So children, when my time has come. I would like my body to be donated, allowing doctors and medical students the ability to research new life-saving medical and surgical procedures and techniques. You can always remember me in your hearts because I would like to continue contributing the society even after I am gone.
Read more about it at LiveOn.
 |
| Like Us on Facebook if you enjoyed the read! |
A stay at home mum, blogging to widen her social life.
We want to echo the sound of love through our lives to inspire other mothers alike.
We want to echo the sound of love through our lives to inspire other mothers alike.
Comments
Post a Comment