Fighting for Love; Loving it Right

When Physical Touch is on both ends of their Love Languages spectrum [Read: Love Tanks - Full, Empty, Overflowing], how should we deal with it?

Faye feels loved when touched and when she is overwhelmed with love for her brother, she will 情不自禁的拥抱他 [spring him surprise hugs]. 

Ewan enjoys hugs from us including his best pal, teachers and grandparents. However, he has got this thing about his sister hugging him. According to him, she does it without permission, without notice and he doesn't like that. Hmm but aren't hugs spontaneous?

There is a lot of jealousy going on in Ewan's mind. He is jealous when Faye gets carried more than him. He is jealous that Faye doesn't have to do much writing work yet. He is jealous Faye has no piano lessons or wushu class to attend. He is jealous she always gets to sleep with mommy. 

Thing is, he is 19kg now and six years old. Our body cannot take his weight any much longer than we can for Faye. We explained to him that he gets carried as much or more than Faye when he was four; he wasn't subjected to any writing exercises when he was her age; he asked for piano and wushu lessons but she did not; he too gets to sleep with me when I lie down in between them but I think he prefers one-on-one time. 

I hug them both a lot and I had initially thought Physical Touch was Ewan's main love language because he loves rubbing my finger with his when we sleep with our hands clasped. He is always asking to be carried. He enjoys family hugs and rubs my arm just to show he cares. Then the result from the Love Languages profiling came back with Physical Touch right at the bottom of his list!

Yesterday, Faye's heart was exploding with love for her brother. At nap time, she kept crawling towards him and hugged him so tightly he would have to struggle and kick his way out of her clutches. It made him so angry, he cried. As parents, when we see her endearing actions, we wonder why was he resisting? It's so nice to have someone dear holding you, stroking you and hugging you to sleep. He likes it when we hug him to sleep.

That's when we acknowledged it. His Love Language is Quality Time and spending time together makes him feel a lot more loved than the touch itself. His resistance towards his sister's affection could also be lined from jealousy. 

Ewan told her it was okay to do a quick hug-and-go just to satisfy her needs but she wanted to cling onto him like a koala. It was such a difficult afternoon as we tried to separate the two in case they got hurt physically or emotionally. One hour was what it took for us to talk, cajole, reason and then finally gave them both a time-out.

The brother was holding back his tongue the whole time and I was proud of him. I knew he wanted to say, "I don't like 妹妹! I hope she goes away!" because he kept repeating how he has a bad thought and he knows he shouldn't say it [but he felt like saying it]. He is clear about the Taboo Words I have for them and was trying his best not to vocalise it. He eventually blurted it out to vent his frustration and Faye whimpered in daddy's arms. That moment was woeful.

When I recapped the incident with them after they've patched up, the conversation was one filled with heartache and hope.

Mom: Let us talk about what happened this afternoon. When 妹妹 needed lots of hugs and 哥哥 didn't want to give. How did the both of you feel? Let us start with Faye.

Faye: No. 哥哥 goes first. 

Ewan: Don't want. You go first. 

Faye: Okay fine. I was hurt. My heart was broken into pieces. I felt sad.

-a pause-

Ewan: So how? Do you need Scotch Tape to put your heart back?

Faye: Cannot put back already.

Mom: Then how can we mend your heart Faye?

Faye: I need a new heart. 

-gave a grimace-

Faye: I can take a new Peppa Pig heart?!

Ewan: No! I don't want to give you a Peppa Pig heart. I'll give you a Kong heart. 

Faye: But I don't like Kong!

Mom: Oh Faye! 哥哥's idea of giving you a Kong heart is great! Kong is a gorilla and he is very strong. Giving you a Kong heart will make your heart strong!

Faye: *hahah* Okay!!

Mom: So 哥. You know. Her love language is Physical Touch meaning she feels most loved when being touched or she must have felt a lot of love for you at that time for her to want to hug you.

Ewan: Alright I know but I don't like it that she always wants to hug hug hug.

Mom: How can we do it better next time? What would you have preferred?

Ewan: She needs to ask me first before we hug. Not just force me to do it. 

Mom: That sounds fair! Can you do that 妹妹?

Faye: Can.

To make it work, there is also a lot of #GivingAndTaking in relationships between siblings.

I told Meyer about this conversation I had with the kids and he laughed at how Faye at her age could say things like "I was hurt. My heart was broken into pieces." Well, that's a preview of my teenage daughter!

Faye would blurt out "I Love You"s to her brother and rush to him for a bear hug which makes him go "Argh!" So one day when Ewan suddenly said "I Love You 妹妹" at bedtime, Faye went, "WHAT! Oh My Goodness!" and pretended to faint on cue. Because it is so rare of Ewan to say that, she had a shock! So did I. But we ended up laughing our bellies up because Faye's reaction was so adorable. Ewan loved that expression so much, he said it a few more times in the week just so she can do it again for our amusement. 

His kind of Love Language after our talk - drawing a surprise picture in Faye's cutting box [but always putting himself in the middle of daddy and mommy]. Of course Faye had a say after seeing this, "But I want to hold mommy's hand!"

Fighting for love. All the time. I just hope we [as parents] know what we are doing to get this right. 

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We want to echo the sound of love through our lives to inspire other mothers alike.