My Children, They Are Privileged

Posted by May June 20, 2018

My Children, They Are Privileged

In Singapore, all children are privileged. Every child is given education. Well of course, there are less privileged and more privileged ones on the scale. I place Ewan and Faye at 10 on the 0-10 order.

They don't live on Queen Astrid Park or have one foreign domestic helper each. But in my opinion, they have already more than they need. 10 for sure. They are jet-setting the world for goodness sake!

Photographed by Larry Toh

Before we had children, I told Meyer I would love for our kids to grow up in a HDB flat. I wouldn't like it that they start their lives off with a swimming pool in their backyard. They would expect it to be a norm to have a pool, tennis court, security guards ensuring our safety and an air-conditioned clubhouse where people get to hold events every weekend. Life isn't like that. People work hard for privileges like these. I don't want them to be born into it. I am tough like that on parenting.

The day we gave up on having children [after four years] because of infertility issues, we moved to a condominium. Three months later, I conceived. *rolls eyes* So Ewan was born into private housing with a swimming pool in his backyard. Great.

I know. You're thinking if I'm such a stickler for such things, why not move back to the HDB? We couldn't because we rented it out already and absolutely don't have the means to afford another flat. I will just have to work on raising a grateful child.

It will be an uphill climb because we live well. We dine in restaurants because we, as adults, want to indulge. We travel because we want to see the World. We choose five-star hotels because we want to rest in comfort while parenting the kids in a foreign country [it's never a holiday when you bring children on holidays].

With that, Ewan and Faye get to enjoy the splendour of things as they ride on our extravagance. We won't deny them of that but that also meant, they have to be kept reminded of their entitlements. Yet, I found Faye complaining, "It's so smelly here. I don't want to eat at the food court or hawker centre." We do makan at hawker centres every week because we love our local food! Why is she complaining? Ewan questions, "Are we sitting on an expensive plane or cheap plane? I want to watch cartoons you know?" I'd rather fly budget all the time then. Firstly, I save on dollars. Secondly, I get to spend hours in a confined space with them without giving them screen time. I dislike screen time.

Cheap or expensive plane? Oh my goodness. They are ALL expensive. I don't even give them the option of business class [well, we cannot afford to pay for us four anyways]. It's only economy class and they are already asking if we are flying the cheap [no in-flight entertainment system] or expensive plane?

My only consolation is, they don't demand it. They ask, whine a little and accept. Faye would pinch her nose through her meal and Ewan would suck it up, enjoying all the activities I brought up for him on the budget airline. We never gave in whenever Faye complains about going to the hawker centre so today, she enjoys her prata kosong and 油条 with us too. *phew*

Spoilt brats are not the kind of kids I was hoping to raise but they have the potential to become one because of the privileges they are born into. So, I inject pockets of hardship here and there for the experience; for reminder. No presents except for Birthdays and Christmases. Learn to give away favourite toys and books to less privileged in third world countries and not treat them like dumping grounds. Earn their rewards and make them practice patience which they have so little of. I tell them a lot of stories too and nothing pulls me back in showing them video clips of children in Syria which many parents find too harsh for a three and five year old.

I was the only child and privileged for certain. But my parents made sure I was nothing close to being a brat. We lived well, ate well, travelled well. My parents rode with me on economy class when I was little. Oh the air in economy class in the past was bad. There was smoking and non-smoking cabins. Even though the smoking sections were separated, it was inevitable that the air gets polluted as a whole. As soon as I was old enough to handle myself on a plane ride, the parents flew on business while I was put in economy. To be honest, I didn't feel mistreated. It was their rights to enjoy the money they had worked hard for. What did I do to deserve it? Just by being their child?

My parenting style is adapted from my dad and later fully inspired by Gordon Ramsay's interview on parenting - "My Fortune Won't Be Going To My Children In My Will"

Meyer finds that ridiculous. All for one, one for all! If we can afford to have them all on the same privileged class why not? "Because, entitlement." I told him.

We paid for Ewan on business class ticket when he was nine months old. It was an impromptu decision made at the check-in counter at Hanoi's airport. Frankly, that was the first and last time we did it because what a waste on money on a little fella!

My little cousin had been flying business with her mom ever since she was born. At five years old, we brought her on a family holiday on economy and she whined, "Why is this seat so small! I have no space." I mean, she is right! Comparing to a business class seat, of course the economy seat is small. She may sound like a spoilt little thing but that was what's been handed her on a silver platter as soon as she knows what life is. It wasn't her fault right? She was given. I don't want my children to think life starts at a level that high because then, I take the joy of upgrades away from them.

My mother indulges in me though. Her only child. She would book us on business class when we travel alone and she promises things like, "I'll get daddy to buy you a car when you turn 18." I got my driving license and was looking forward to a swanky new car! But daddy had a different plan.

He didn't think I needed one. He shared how hard he worked to earn his very first 老-Pok Car and that satisfaction was beyond words. My father wanted me to experience the same but most importantly, to learn life lessons. What kind of a person will I become today if he just simply, bought me a car?

Every year from my 18th to 21st birthday, he would ask me what I wanted for a present. I said, "A car." and I never got it. Then I turned 27 and I bought my first 40 year old vintage beetle. The ownership, the pride and the fulfilment that I felt inside me was irreplaceable. So, I'm really not being stingy or cruel to Ewan and Faye. I'm imparting life lessons and giving them the opportunity to appreciate the money they earn.

Although my parents could easily give me pocket money through my University years, I offered to earn my own keep as a tutor. They didn't suggest it to me and I think they were quietly proud of the young adult I had become. I was proud of myself! All credit to them.

Photographed by Edmund Koh

Meyer and I are brought up very differently. Two ends of a spectrum - my dad gives me nothing and his, gives him everything. He got a brand new car for his 18th birthday! So while we have our disagreements on how our children should be raised, we give each other balance. I think Ewan and Faye should be able to benefit from this - somehow, hopefully.

Then came the topic of school shoes which triggered me to pen this down for my children to read. My mother-in-law texted me one day with a picture of a white Geox shoes she was intending to buy for Ewan. He will be going to Primary One in six months and she would like to gift him a pair of school shoes. My immediate response was, "Huh? Why would a kid need such an expensive shoes for school? So spoilt!"

No reply.

Then I remember a wise friend's words, "Don't deny grandparents when they want to indulge their grandchildren and children with gifts. It makes them happy and we shouldn't take that away from them."

I texted back again, "You decide okay? If you think the price is right."

Read: Do Grandparents Own The Rights To Spoil Grandchildren?

That said, I do not agree that my children should be wearing a S$100 pair of shoes to school. At that moment, I was utterly pleased with my decision in not sending Ewan to my husband's old school where Nike and Converse school shoes are the norm. The last thing I want is for my son to come home comparing brands of school bags, shoes or cars. It is funny that everyone seem to be able to decipher which school my husband came from when I didn't have to spell it out. Goes to show how much reputation sells itself.

Just the night before the Geox shoes heart attack, Meyer sent me a picture of Ewan in a pair of classic Timberlands. Two hundred dollars for a mountain trekking shoe. Okay, if maybe we lived in Switzerland. But we are Singaporeans - hot, humid and no mountains. Doesn't make sense except that it looks cool and Ewan LOVED it. "But he likes it leh." Meyer told me over the phone.

I told them to hold their horses. I'm coming right over to the Timberland. I didn't tell them I was going there to intervene.

It was very clear to me that Ewan will not get this pair of shoes.

Mommy: Sorry Ewan. You don't need a Timberland.

Ewan: But I like it!

Mommy: Unfortunately, life isn't like that. We don't get to bring home everything we like. Oh goodness. If I let you do that, what kind of person will you become when you grow up?

Ewan: Hmpf! Not fair!

Mommy: Do you know how much this is? S$200! You will complain it is hot, too heavy and then you won't want to wear it anymore. Daddy worked so hard to earn his first pair of Timberlands, you want it at six years old?

Ewan: But I really really like it...

Mommy: I tell you what. I'll put that in my notes. I'll remember it for you. When you earn your next pocket money, you can choose to buy this pair of shoes yourself. Or the Ninjago Spinjitsu. Up to you. When you have the money, you can decide what you want to do with it. Work for it if you really like it.

10 minutes later...

Ewan: I really like the shoes

Mommy: Ahh Ewan... I told you already, it's

Ewan: I know I know. I'm just saying I like the shoes.
Mommy: Let's go to Cotton On. I saw a very cool pair of shoes for S$15.

And I bought that for him instead.

Daddy: I like the Timberland shoes too! I'm not going to delete this picture from my phone.

Mommy: Oh my goodness. You another one. It's okay. You can delete. I'll blog about it and have it printed. You can both read this for life!

Meyer has a different view to this Geox, Nike, Converse school shoes conversation. He feels that S$100 for a pair of school shoes is probably the norm now. He was appalled to hear that children still wears Bata. "Who wears Bata anymore!" he commented. I told him, "EVERYONE! Every normal child?" So hey! Tell me. Allow me to do this poll because he wants to conduct market survey to prove his belief and I want to prove mine.

Ewan and Faye's going out shoes are about S$100 each [crazy price]; hand-me downs from cousins, gifts and sponsored by brands. So my husband feels that the price of shoes these days are as such. So why not a hundred bucks for school shoes? To me, school shoes wear and tear easily. They should be replaced cheaply. White shoes turn grey almost as soon as they walk out of the house. It's like the dirty smudge costs me S$10 each time the kids brushed against a curb! Ouch.

If the price of that pair of Geox was going at a cheap sale, close to Bata's, I'd be first in the queue to buy it for comfort and durability. But it wasn't.

It's not like I don't buy more expensive clothes and accessories for them. I do but I wait for sale and measure its worthiness to its price tags.

Ewan. Faye. You are privileged. You come home to a safe haven with your own bedrooms. You visit your grandparents in houses with their own driveways. You have a mom staying home indefinitely for you so that I can ensure you learn the basics of lives and the foundation I wish I can lay for you is gratitude.

It is who you are inside that matters most of all. Everything else, they are material.

I am most heartened when our teachings [repeated a million times over] are heard and you were willing to put money in the hands of a begger. Ewan, you may not remember this but I told you when you were six, "Wish the man well when you give him money. We hope it will help him fill his tummy for his next meal."

You walked back to him and said, "I wish you well."

Stay kind and be appreciative of everything. Who you both turn out to be at 25, is the testimony of how well we've brought you up.

LIFE BEYOND GRADES:

Taboo Words At Home

No Academic Enrichments for Pre-Schoolers

Born a Dragon but Opted for Phase 2C over Alma Mater, ACS