After Words, Let's Talk. After Words, There's Us.

Should verbal abuse be given more attention? I say YES! It is an emotional abuse and probably worse than physical abuse because we can see the bruises and scars inflicted on us physically but with verbal abuse, it is kept under wraps. No one knows except the victim. Worst of all, the victim may not even know that he/she is going through a form of abuse.

A group of final year undergraduates at the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information at NTU approached me to be part of their final year project. They have put together a social campaign seeking to address verbal aggression in spousal relationships, and it is entitled after words. Their campaign seeks to fulfil three objectives.

Firstly, to exemplify and build awareness of the elements of verbal aggression. Secondly, to reduce verbal aggression in marriages, and Lastly, to encourage healthier communication and as such promote healthier marriage.

Their interest in this topic stems from the fact that only a small amount of research and literature has been conducted on verbal aggression in spousal relationships, especially within a local context. In order to achieve their goals, they have developed several campaign initiatives to draw the public closer to their cause.

I took this up because I find many relationships are strained by verbal aggression, including mine. In the heat of things, we tend to vocalise negatively towards each other. Even though our rule over arguments is, No Vulgarities, yet words like "Are you an idiot?" or snap at our partners without first hearing them out are emotionally abusive. I am, Guilty as charged!

after words, let's talk is a two-part digital series which I was involved in. The first part being a video clip and the second being an online Q&A activity.  The following are the five questions that I was to address during the interview:

Being a mother to two very young children is surely a very demanding task. How do you ensure that you are still able to spend quality time with your husband despite your responsibilities?

This is the biggest challenge yet. My husband spends the whole day out at work. Although he makes a point to be home by 6pm every day, the only Us-Time left is after the children go to bed. That would mean a small window from 10pm till we knock out for the night. As we both have very long days, one of us may fall asleep while putting the children to bed. Then there goes spending time together over chips and a movie in the living room. Either that or we both feel the need to spend the rest of the night on our own catching up on a magazine or blogging. The only time we have for each other is when grandparents request to have the children over for a day or a meal period. We take the opportunity to paktor. Then again, because we've spent so much time around our children, we sometimes do not know how to spend the day together. We do not know what to do with each other anymore! That's when we will think of activities that our children will not be able to join us in should we have them along like a movie in the cinema or eating Crab with our hands.

What are some of the day-to-day challenges you face in communicating with your husband?

That we do not communicate more than, "Can you boil the water?" or "Meyer! Bring the towel!" *hahah* We communicate a lot more via text when he is at work. There are no distractions (like children trying to interrupt) while texting and replies can be read only when we are available. However, communication shouldn't be such. It should be verbal with eye contact - especially in a marriage. This is our day-to-day challenge minus those times when we are frustrated with other factors and lash it out at each other over petty matters. 

When you and your husband get into a conflict, what are the times when you wish you could take back the words you said?

Hmmm... tough one. When we are angry, I don't think we ever wish to take back any words we said. In any case, our rule is no vulgarities. So we respect each other in that sense. Our quarrels are mostly civil though not always level-headed. 

Part of our target audience are dating couples. Could you tell us how your communication with your husband might have changed from before and after you guys were married, and whether or not these changes are positive or negative?

Different relationship status calls for different communication methods. For us, there are 3.

1. Dating - He was 17 and I was 16. We were really young. First love, puppy love and inexperienced. I am the only child and I demand for things to go my way. He is the older brother and he is always giving. Our communication method is pretty much one-sided with him trying to salvage every little unhappiness in our relationship. And they say girls mature faster than boys. He was the man!

2. Before Kids - When it was just the two of us. I learnt to be Give more this time because I've grown out of my childish ways. He, however, had grown tired of giving and was losing his temper at me more often at not. I stopped shouting back or trying to pick a fight. Choosing to stay nonchalant about   our petty arguments but I learnt also that THAT angered him even more. How funny isn't it? But I guess, staying nonchalant made him look like a fool! It was as if I was telling him that he kicked up a fuss for nothing.

3. After Kids - I avoid all quarrels because I simply have no energy for it. However, I speak without mincing my words and certain things do get to him. He got a lot more agitated after children because he was after all tired from being the sole breadwinner and always fulfilling his daddy chores. When we do get into an argument, it always gets stopped by our 3 year old who will go, "Stop Talking!" when he actually meant, "Stop Fighting".

I would say our communication changed positively over the years. Age and experience caught up. We understand how not to press each other's buttons better now though there are still naughty times when either one of us still wants to emerge the winner of an argument! *haha* I found the best way to communicate my feelings is through writing and so I will write him emails. It gives me time to process my thoughts and share not only my anger but disappointment and love for him. It also allows him to digest what I've got to say. It works a lot better for us as compared to a shouting match at home where only angry words linger. No "I'm Sorry", "I'm Sad" or "I Love You".

How do you think couples can overcome verbal aggression?

Love, Listen and Respect. First there must be Love. Then both parties have to Listen to each other's piece and Respect that we have different views. It is easier said than done. I am guilty of not listening or respecting many a times. But as long as we know the ingredients to a healthy marriage by communicating correctly, we can make things work. Most importantly, when we are a family with children, we have to remember that our quarrels are no longer ours alone. Our children are also involved as bystanders.

In the second part of after words, let's talk, I was sent a set of six questions pertaining to verbal aggression / healthier communication from the public. For a moment, I felt like I was Aunty Agony when I was answering the questions. I wasn't sure if I gave the right advices but when I posed them to my husband, his reply was, "These should be easy for you because you've been through it already." 

Meyer and I were involved in another activity that the after words team had came up with. It is a conversational card game entitled after words, there's us . We were asked to play a game where we took turns to ask and answer each other’s questions from the deck of cards given to us. The conversation between the both of us were recorded on tape. This documentation became one of the videos that made up a web series published on several social media channels. I found this the best activity Meyer and I had shared towards the end of 2015. We hardly have time to converse and this opportunity was definitely precious. It got us thinking about things and made us appreciate each other better. It's great to be given one-on-one time (besides many peering eyes and three cameras pointing at us) to rekindle the very first reasons why we became husband and wife.

After the tenth question, Meyer asked the producers, "You should include a question Eleven: "Who made you come here?"" *haha* obviously I requested this of him and I am so thankful he accommodated me to it because this is such a precious take. To a woman at least!

Our friends shared that they had a good time watching us banter over "What are you sorry towards me?" and "Do still I turn you on like when we were dating?". Watch the clip, feel our love! Click on HD to watch in High Def.

after words, there's us: May x Meyer
“What would you do if I cheated on you?”“Forgive you.”What’s it like loving someone since you were a teen, till today when you both have kids? May and Meyer discuss the changes in the way they communicate over the years. Watch on to find out.
Posted by AFTER WORDS on Sunday, 24 January 2016

Most importantly, do not forget.

After Words, Let's Talk.

After Words, There's Always Us.

Want to try ‘after words, there’s us’ with your partner? Join them at the "after words, there’s us" Experiential Pop-up happening at The Capitol on 12th and 13th February, from 12 to 8pm! It’s you two against a deck of questions, that will test how well you both communicate with each other. If you think you’re up to the challenge, see you then!

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A stay at home mum, blogging to widen her social life. 
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