The Day I Walked Out On My Family
I've read books about walking out of the room when your baby cries too much and you do not know what to do because moms deserve the space to cool down. I disagree with those. I mean look. All they want is for their moms to comfort them, to help them and to ease their pain. But instead of receiving such understanding, the person they trust and love most walk out on them instead. That can be very frightening for the baby don't you think? Besides, we are adult enough to handle our emotions better than to walk out.
But today, I turned my back on them and walked. I walked until I could walk no further and took a bus instead. Crying pitifully at my failure as a mom as I made my way home.
If I hadn't, I would have given Ewan his first tight slap. I don't even know how to do it! I might miss his face when I attempt to.
I was boiling mad at my son. Today's weather did not help either and it was giving me a headache.
We were at my dad's and obviously, the children didn't want to leave. It's always hard to go when they are having fun. Even though I've done the countdown timer method, given them ample heads-up, there will always be a last snack bite before they are satisfied enough to go. Well, I don't mind but if it's something that'll aggravate their current health status, I say No.
When they are healthy, I'll give in to gummies or kerupuk even though I do not like them. However, Ewan started coughing from Friday's intake of ice-cream, fries and popcorn chicken. No way am I risking a full-blown illness just before school starts? Can anyone understand a caregiver's position?
I was exhausted. I fell asleep next to them as they watched cartoons at their grandfather's house. I was suffering from menstrual cramps. Trying not to limp too much as I got myself to the toilet to clean one of their backsides. I was hot. I was irritable and I got really mad when Ewan couldn't take no for an answer when he insisted on eating a chocolate chip muesli bar. No wait. I didn't blow my top when he crossed his arms and slumped himself on the sofa in protest. I explained to him my rationale twice over and even offered to bring him out for a tea break since he was hungry. I got really angry when he pointed his finger at my dad's gate and told me with tears in his eyes, "You Leave."
I had been nothing but patient with him and he asked his mother to leave? What audacity!
So that "You Leave" was what broke the camel's back.
I left.
I stomped out in fact.
He got slightly worried and called out, "Mommy! Mommy wait! I want to tell you something."
Faye got worried too and she too called out, "Mommy! I'm stuck! I cannot go!"
She wasn't wearing her shoes, she wasn't part of the tension and she didn't say she won't listen. It was 哥哥 but she had to bear the brunt of it too because I was so angry.
I made sure I didn't turn around or stop short at my tracks. I made sure I closed the gate a little louder to show him I was leaving for real.
As I walked out, a million thing went through my head. Do I continue walking? Past our car and not turn back?
I decided not to be childish and buckled myself in the car instead. I waited for daddy to bring the kids out and have them buckled. We will go for that tea break. When Ewan opened the door, I told him how I had that inclination to give him a slap on his face. He responded, "But I wanted to eat that biscuit!"
"Who gave you fries, ice-cream and KFC yesterday! Who brought you out to Kidzania the whole of yesterday? Who takes care of you when you are sick!" I questioned. It was all me. I trudged through eight hours of Kidzania for him and Faye yesterday despite having one of the worst menstrual cramps ever. It was so bad I had to take painkillers to last the day. I made sure I said yes to all their requests just to make them happy. I cook for them even though I do not like cooking, bathe them, put them to sleep, read them books, protect them and love them. Who bloody hell quit her job to stay home for them to be their mother!
When he replied, "Daddy", I opened my car door and told him, "Please. Go into the car. Go enjoy yourself without me and don't call me mommy anymore."
I walked away and I didn't turn back.
Of course I was hurt! Why wouldn't I for all that I've given?
They chased me in daddy's car. I opened the car door and shoved his Wushu uniform onto my car seat. He apologised softly but that was not what I wanted. I wanted his father to at least teach him how to apologise sincerely - out of the car maybe kneel on the ground kind of apology to appease me *haha* But they drove off instead when I slammed the door shut.
Daddy had long forgotten how hard he chased and apologised to me when we quarrelled in courtship. He drove the kids off, leaving me alone! But he also knew, I always choose to walk long distances to clear my head whenever I'm angry.
I went home. Holding up the tears that welled up in my eyes for as long as I possibly could. But I couldn't. I swiped my tears off my cheeks even when other commuters were looking at me.
I imagined the many scenarios in my head for later when they come home.
Scene 1 - They come home to no sight of mommy. They sleep without mommy and possibly cry themselves to bed worried that mommy was really not going to come home anymore. But what am I teaching them? That mom can run away from home? But she cannot run away forever because she still has to come back to take care of them when daddy goes for business trip on Monday!
Scene 2 - I wait for them to come home like a matriarch on my chair. Get them both to stand in front of me and I'll give Ewan his tight slap for being disrespectful before getting them both to kneel before me to listen to my 101 rules. Poor Faye but she's gotta understand the severity of impudence as a third party.
Scene 3 - Lovingly hold him in my arms and apologise for walking out. Asking him what he thought he did wrong. Oh bother. This is the last thing I want to do really. I have done this loving talks so many times. If it worked, he wouldn't growl and speak to me like this today!
While he is affectionate, still calling me daily at recess, he can be so rude too when he doesn't get his way. Is it okay like that? No.
How did we end up where we are today for our children to speak impolitely to their elders?
All the decisions I make for them is for their own good. Why of course they cannot tell because their lives revolve around one biscuit or one gummy and when Mommy says, "No because it's bad for your teeth, your health and my sanity", all hell breaks loose.
I sincerely believe love is what a child needs but if I get attacked after keeping my cool for so long, I cannot help but go into a defensive mode and choose the punish or scare tactic. Yet, moms are supposed to make everything right because that's our job and if we don't, we get judged for being that bad mom. *rolls eyes*
Of course I'd like to close today with a good dinner, hugs and kisses. To be there in between Ewan and Faye as they fall asleep. But how will they remember and learn that I'm terribly affected by this afternoon's bad behaviour and not do it again?
Will my teenage children walk out on us next time when they are angry with something because they remember mommy doing that when they were 4 and 6? Possibly.
Daddy texted me, "Are you the mom who says she will always be there for them and there'll always be a home for them?"
I told him, "I'm the mom who wants them to remember they cannot be disrespectful and if a slap does the job, maybe I should." [although I know deep down, I wouldn't]
Daddy replied, "Then at least a slap is not an idle threat."
So there. He's always reminding me no to dish out empty threats. I decided to explain to Ewan why I walked out. Because I needed to clear my head and if I hadn't, I would have lost it. I will explain to him why he shouldn't be rude. Because impoliteness should never be tolerated by anyone older than him, younger than him or even from friends of his age. I will attend a talk in April with Meyer, "How Can Parents Coach Their Children To Manage Their Anger More Effectively".
Because he gets angry so easily, we lose our tempers too. To help him to help us, we are going to take this first step to understand where is it coming from a child.
Effort much. We only hope they grow up to be appreciative young adults and no doubt, it all boils down to how we parent.
Six hours later...
Did we make up Ewan and I? Before Meyer and the children came home, I texted my husband to let him know he should send Ewan alone to our room to look for me. As soon as he opened the door, he apologised and cried inconsolably. We hugged, we talked and I explained the consequences of his words. I told him we should not take words lightly and words can hurt. I acknowledged I was wrong to say they won’t see me again and he agreed he was wrong to ask me to leave, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean what I say mommy. I just wanted you to go away for a bit so I can have the biscuit”
I decided that we have to face each other and solve the problem before the day ends just like all healthy relationships would. How long can I "leave them" and what kind of message will I be sending if I did that? I told him that was 气话 and I would never be able to leave them even when they are 50 because it would hurt too much and really, I don't have anywhere else to go.
I asked him what if he came home and I really wasn’t there anymore? He said he will go to world’s end to look for me. Tonight as I put the kids to sleep, stuck in between them, both held me extra tightly.
"他最厉害的是嘴巴。也是最厉害嘴硬心软。他其实应该心里面很害怕的.” 谢谢陈老师的这一番话. I’m glad my walking away wasn’t in vain and I didn’t had to resort to violence to get the result I wanted. Now, I'm just hoping he learnt his lessons and that his sister took this to heart as a third party.
When they are healthy, I'll give in to gummies or kerupuk even though I do not like them. However, Ewan started coughing from Friday's intake of ice-cream, fries and popcorn chicken. No way am I risking a full-blown illness just before school starts? Can anyone understand a caregiver's position?
I was exhausted. I fell asleep next to them as they watched cartoons at their grandfather's house. I was suffering from menstrual cramps. Trying not to limp too much as I got myself to the toilet to clean one of their backsides. I was hot. I was irritable and I got really mad when Ewan couldn't take no for an answer when he insisted on eating a chocolate chip muesli bar. No wait. I didn't blow my top when he crossed his arms and slumped himself on the sofa in protest. I explained to him my rationale twice over and even offered to bring him out for a tea break since he was hungry. I got really angry when he pointed his finger at my dad's gate and told me with tears in his eyes, "You Leave."
I had been nothing but patient with him and he asked his mother to leave? What audacity!
So that "You Leave" was what broke the camel's back.
I left.
I stomped out in fact.
He got slightly worried and called out, "Mommy! Mommy wait! I want to tell you something."
Faye got worried too and she too called out, "Mommy! I'm stuck! I cannot go!"
She wasn't wearing her shoes, she wasn't part of the tension and she didn't say she won't listen. It was 哥哥 but she had to bear the brunt of it too because I was so angry.
I made sure I didn't turn around or stop short at my tracks. I made sure I closed the gate a little louder to show him I was leaving for real.
As I walked out, a million thing went through my head. Do I continue walking? Past our car and not turn back?
I decided not to be childish and buckled myself in the car instead. I waited for daddy to bring the kids out and have them buckled. We will go for that tea break. When Ewan opened the door, I told him how I had that inclination to give him a slap on his face. He responded, "But I wanted to eat that biscuit!"
"Who gave you fries, ice-cream and KFC yesterday! Who brought you out to Kidzania the whole of yesterday? Who takes care of you when you are sick!" I questioned. It was all me. I trudged through eight hours of Kidzania for him and Faye yesterday despite having one of the worst menstrual cramps ever. It was so bad I had to take painkillers to last the day. I made sure I said yes to all their requests just to make them happy. I cook for them even though I do not like cooking, bathe them, put them to sleep, read them books, protect them and love them. Who bloody hell quit her job to stay home for them to be their mother!
When he replied, "Daddy", I opened my car door and told him, "Please. Go into the car. Go enjoy yourself without me and don't call me mommy anymore."
I walked away and I didn't turn back.
Of course I was hurt! Why wouldn't I for all that I've given?
They chased me in daddy's car. I opened the car door and shoved his Wushu uniform onto my car seat. He apologised softly but that was not what I wanted. I wanted his father to at least teach him how to apologise sincerely - out of the car maybe kneel on the ground kind of apology to appease me *haha* But they drove off instead when I slammed the door shut.
Daddy had long forgotten how hard he chased and apologised to me when we quarrelled in courtship. He drove the kids off, leaving me alone! But he also knew, I always choose to walk long distances to clear my head whenever I'm angry.
I went home. Holding up the tears that welled up in my eyes for as long as I possibly could. But I couldn't. I swiped my tears off my cheeks even when other commuters were looking at me.
I imagined the many scenarios in my head for later when they come home.
Scene 1 - They come home to no sight of mommy. They sleep without mommy and possibly cry themselves to bed worried that mommy was really not going to come home anymore. But what am I teaching them? That mom can run away from home? But she cannot run away forever because she still has to come back to take care of them when daddy goes for business trip on Monday!
Scene 2 - I wait for them to come home like a matriarch on my chair. Get them both to stand in front of me and I'll give Ewan his tight slap for being disrespectful before getting them both to kneel before me to listen to my 101 rules. Poor Faye but she's gotta understand the severity of impudence as a third party.
Scene 3 - Lovingly hold him in my arms and apologise for walking out. Asking him what he thought he did wrong. Oh bother. This is the last thing I want to do really. I have done this loving talks so many times. If it worked, he wouldn't growl and speak to me like this today!
While he is affectionate, still calling me daily at recess, he can be so rude too when he doesn't get his way. Is it okay like that? No.
How did we end up where we are today for our children to speak impolitely to their elders?
All the decisions I make for them is for their own good. Why of course they cannot tell because their lives revolve around one biscuit or one gummy and when Mommy says, "No because it's bad for your teeth, your health and my sanity", all hell breaks loose.
I sincerely believe love is what a child needs but if I get attacked after keeping my cool for so long, I cannot help but go into a defensive mode and choose the punish or scare tactic. Yet, moms are supposed to make everything right because that's our job and if we don't, we get judged for being that bad mom. *rolls eyes*
Of course I'd like to close today with a good dinner, hugs and kisses. To be there in between Ewan and Faye as they fall asleep. But how will they remember and learn that I'm terribly affected by this afternoon's bad behaviour and not do it again?
Will my teenage children walk out on us next time when they are angry with something because they remember mommy doing that when they were 4 and 6? Possibly.
Daddy texted me, "Are you the mom who says she will always be there for them and there'll always be a home for them?"
I told him, "I'm the mom who wants them to remember they cannot be disrespectful and if a slap does the job, maybe I should." [although I know deep down, I wouldn't]
Daddy replied, "Then at least a slap is not an idle threat."
So there. He's always reminding me no to dish out empty threats. I decided to explain to Ewan why I walked out. Because I needed to clear my head and if I hadn't, I would have lost it. I will explain to him why he shouldn't be rude. Because impoliteness should never be tolerated by anyone older than him, younger than him or even from friends of his age. I will attend a talk in April with Meyer, "How Can Parents Coach Their Children To Manage Their Anger More Effectively".
Because he gets angry so easily, we lose our tempers too. To help him to help us, we are going to take this first step to understand where is it coming from a child.
Effort much. We only hope they grow up to be appreciative young adults and no doubt, it all boils down to how we parent.
Six hours later...
Did we make up Ewan and I? Before Meyer and the children came home, I texted my husband to let him know he should send Ewan alone to our room to look for me. As soon as he opened the door, he apologised and cried inconsolably. We hugged, we talked and I explained the consequences of his words. I told him we should not take words lightly and words can hurt. I acknowledged I was wrong to say they won’t see me again and he agreed he was wrong to ask me to leave, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean what I say mommy. I just wanted you to go away for a bit so I can have the biscuit”
I decided that we have to face each other and solve the problem before the day ends just like all healthy relationships would. How long can I "leave them" and what kind of message will I be sending if I did that? I told him that was 气话 and I would never be able to leave them even when they are 50 because it would hurt too much and really, I don't have anywhere else to go.
I asked him what if he came home and I really wasn’t there anymore? He said he will go to world’s end to look for me. Tonight as I put the kids to sleep, stuck in between them, both held me extra tightly.
"他最厉害的是嘴巴。也是最厉害嘴硬心软。他其实应该心里面很害怕的.” 谢谢陈老师的这一番话. I’m glad my walking away wasn’t in vain and I didn’t had to resort to violence to get the result I wanted. Now, I'm just hoping he learnt his lessons and that his sister took this to heart as a third party.
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