Project Babyless Sri Lanka: Lost and Found

I cried a lot this holiday. From sharing my troubles with the girls to bawling my eyes out watching Lion [an amazing film] and Bad Moms [what? I cried at Bad Moms?] on the flight back to Singapore. I must have cried and downloaded all negative vibes four times during our four day getaway

The husband said, "That's great! Isn't this just about the reason why you get away? To download."

It was a trip that Meyer encouraged. If you've caught up with my latest 10 year wedding anniversary post 十年, We Still Do, you would have figured out how much angst I had within me. I would snap at him or get unnecessarily impatient with everything he said.

Scenario
He just returned from an overseas trip and we were having dinner at the in-laws

May: I am tired. Can I go home first while you finish up dinner with the children?
Meyer: Why are you tired?
May: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY AM I TIRED? Am I not entitled to be tired? I freaking took care of your children every day with no help including changing bedsheets in the middle of the night from urine accidents, diffusing fights and bringing them out to play amidst all these! And I am having a headache right now!
Meyer: I am just asking why? If you are not feeling well somewhere and need a doctor or did something happened today that drained you? Because I want to help!
May: *rolls eyes* Whatever! I'm going home now. It's not a question. I.Am.So.Tired!

For sure, he saw that I was different. Almost a crazy woman lashing at him at everything he said or suggested. When I toyed with the idea of this Babyless [and Husbandless] holiday, he told me to stop thinking about it and get the air tickets booked right away! He suggested that I should do this trip alone even if my girlfriends couldn't make it. Ah... but I doubt I will enjoy solo-trips without company. It is just too lonely for my liking.

There were a lot of considerations to just pack up and go. Especially for a mother! Her husband needs her, her children need her, the house needs her [oh my goodness, I came home to a house so messy I nearly died] and how about that Mommy Guilt?

Thank goodness for my husband, I had no Mommy's Guilt. Zilt! Zero! None!

Did I miss the family while in Sri Lanka? I do think of them once in a while and wished they could be there experiencing what I had. But just for a split second and then I moved on, focusing on myself again. When I asked to be updated via WhatsApp, Meyer texted me, "You aren't supposed to be thinking of us. I'm not updating you unless emergency."

I think that helped with the zero mommy's guilt.

He made it clear that this was my trip. To relax, rejuvenate, recalibrate and return home refreshed.

I always travel with an itinerary on What To See and will make sure I leave nothing behind. Sometimes, I would add more to the list while on the go. Yet on this trip, I left behind a whole lot of historical sites and monumental buildings in search for self discovery. I hadn't planned to self discover actually. I was ready to strike off the list one by one on the Must Dos in Colombo and Galle.  Fortunately, I came home with revelations that made me felt lost and found at the same time. I was so confused that writing this will help put my thoughts in place.

CONNECTION
The wi-fi was poor even in the hotels we stayed at. I was annoyed by the intermittent to non-existent signal throughout our holiday. The wi-fi at Bandaranaike International Airport was difficult to connect as well with a long online form to fill. No matter which country I go, I would get myself connected on the walk from the aerobridge to immigration and it had always been easy.

I complained a few times to the hotel's front desk on the poor connection in our suite. They apologised profusely for it but was something beyond their control. Apparently, the bandwidth gets compromised towards the end of each month because of government policies. The only strong wi-fi connection we could get was in the hotel's lobby.

You will see us girls sitting in the lobby with our heads buried in our phones. I even brought my laptop with me thinking I could do a blog post and I spent every opportunity trying to connect but to no avail. One morning at breakfast, I looked up from my phone at my girlfriends and took a serious scan around us. There were five occupied tables in the room and they were all connected - eye to eye heart to heart. While we could have spent our morning enjoying our coffee and laughing at random chats, we were buried in the familiar virtual world because that is what we are used to back home.

With the wi-fi complaint, the hotel offered to set up a router in our room for us to get connected. I didn't take up their offer because half of me knew that I should try to disconnect instead! That is the reason for this trip in the first place isn't it? To cut off and disengage.

I felt lost being away from my real and social media family. But I found a bigger lesson here - that we  need to learn to be more human by connecting with real people before us.

We all know this. It's been told over and over again that we should disconnect to connect. But seeing it in person, in a country like Sri Lanka, felt a lot more real. Five tables in the room, all connected with one another except us [the only Asians]. Of course, we put away our phones immediately and started talking about the burst of flavours that came with every bite that we took.

TIME
It is crazy how time suddenly slows down when you are not in a rush.

"Aiyo! There are not enough hours in a day! There should be 48 hours in a day! I cannot finish my work!" says an overloaded mom or dad in Singapore.

Oh no no no no no. 24 hours was more than enough in Sri Lanka. We were 2.5 hours behind Singapore and we inevitably felt like we've earned 2.5 hours more. You can take that 2.5 hours away from me because I don't need it on my holiday. I was utterly pleased with the hours presented to me. For once, I had enough hours in a day. 24 hours with some spare change.

It must have been years for us moms to finally turn in for bed without any disruptions. Waking up to breastfeed three times a night, waking up to change bedsheets every other night because some five year old decided to urine on the bed or waking up to put a crying child back to sleep from nightmares - these claimed our lives back at home.

We were clocking hours and hours of uninterrupted sleep for three full nights in Sri Lanka! It felt different. I would wake up feeling all fresh and ready to conquer the world! It's not like we woke at 1100 hours every day? We woke at 0700 hours or 0730 hours the latest. But we woke up without a loud wail from the next room crying for MOMMY or a little face startling us awake with a boo when we were dreaming about eating vanilla ice-cream in Satorini.

The second morning we woke in Singapore [ya, we are back home], we texted each other, "Do you feel weirdly tired even though we felt rested from the trip?"

Serene: I dunno about you ladies. But I was so exhausted yesterday and today. Everyone kept saying I look tired but I went to bed by 8 last night!

Iori: I thot it was just me! Almost impossible getting up at 7am. I was woken up at 6.20 and I was like please please don't shout, whisper can? Had to crash back into bed at 8.55am after dropping X and don't know why I jumped out of bed at 9.15am shouting "shit I overslept!" Ran out of the room calling for Sri - "Sri where's X?" She gave me a stunned look. My goodness I totally forgot I'd left the house an hour ago.

May: I looked like a wreck when I woke up in the morning! I was so tired I had to take an afternoon nap with the children yesterday and I fell asleep before them. Ewan had a urine accident at 4am and he came looking for me in my room. I told Meyer that we'd forgotten to put on diapers for Ewan and now he's all wet! But erm, Ewan hasn't been wearing diapers to sleep since last year! What am I talking about? 

All these because we are back in the daily grind. It shows how damning this lifestyle is for us moms in Singapore [or possibly any first world countries]. We lost so much precious time with our children and husband because we are always rushing through the days with getting up at 0700 hours, changing the kids, making breakfasts, sending them to school, heading in for work [late] and attending crap meetings, squeezing in time to encourage disappointed kids but tell them to suck it up quickly because we have to rush to swim class *phew* all in a day's work.

What I have found from this revelation? From writing this out in words? That hey! Do we really have to be that Perfect Mom for the home? No! We can cut the rules and let them have a piece of chocolate, say No to them if need be and stop trying to make our children's lives amazing and magical! Their lives are already amazing as it is. What is it that they remember from their childhood isn't what we did not give but all that we have given. Time... let's try not to rush through things. Stop and smell the flowers for a while. Break the routine a little and we might bag away with something magical.

"It doesn't matter how slow I go, as long as I don't stop. Keeping myself reminded to stop rushing things that need time to grow."

People
The Sri Lankans put me to shame as a Singaporean.

As we travelled deeper into Sri Lanka, the people became friendlier. City people are city people. They probably felt like there isn't enough time in a day as well no matter which country but the people in the suburbs? They are a lot more relaxed.

When I look at them and smile, they smile.
When they walk past me, they say, "Good morning."
When they saw me in trouble, they ask, "Do you need help?"

I woke at 0600hrs one morning and went out for a little walking adventure on my own [the girls were still in lalaland]. Absolutely loved this experience but not without a camera in hand of course. I was told it was absolutely safe to do this single woman walkabout around Galle Fort and so I did.

I was standing at the top of a breakwater when one half of my slippers fell off onto the beach below because I was trying a photography stunt. An elderly man came to my rescue and we had the best stranger chat ever. Sri Lankans are amazingly hospitable and this was not the only encounter I had with a local that had no agenda whatsoever. I was strolling along in the evening on my own again and a handsome young man walked alongside me and we chatted up. The usual Good Day, Where Are You From and Goodbye, Please Enjoy My Country kind of talk. I hadn't expected such conversations to strike up so easily as if I was in Europe. Best of all, they are not asking for anything in return.

Most surprisingly, everyone spoke English.

Even if they don't, like some elderly people at the train station, they still beckoned for us to sit with them and tried to make conversations. The smiles on their faces never ceased. As much as we find the locals foreign, we are the real foreigners. They photographed me as I photographed them. Then they went into their own giggles and chatters, wondering where we were from.

"It feels good to be lost in the right direction"

Lost. Lost for words about how simple life can be. How beautiful people can be. Being city people, we are always on our guard wondering when the next person is going to "eat us up". We scheme, we protect and we are always wary about strangers. I really do not like that. I hate it even that we have come to this. So I had always lived with the thought that everyone should deserve forgiveness, no matter what wrong they commit.

I found hope. Thank you Sri Lanka.

And Sri Lanka? It needs to be found!

It is hard to believe that I finally went for this Moms Only trip. The last time we flew together was in 2014 and I had a six month old Faye along with us [Bangkok Babymoon: Ladies Only]. It was a Babymoon trip for Iori who was six months pregnant and we travelled as if we haven't brought along baby baggages with us.

We brought along no baggages with us this time and it had been fruitful. For me at least. I learnt so much that I felt a little lost as I questioned about my life [my entire life]. I downloaded a whole lot this trip, crying when I felt lost and smiling when I was found.

I went home, hugging my husband more, smiling more and worrying less. This may not last because well, we are living in a rat race. It is easy to get pulled into the deep again. But I shall try. Remind me when you think I am getting lost again.

If you are doing a girls trip soon, take the time to not just enjoy the company or food or attractions but observe your surroundings and find yourself once again. You are a woman before a mother and a wife.

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