Dear Family, I Am Never Too Weak For You. I'm Also Not Always Strong.
Strong.
The one who always finds a way. The one you can depend on when you need a dinner reservation, throw a party or take your photograph. The one who can keep her calm even when her mom dies.
I've been told I'm strong but when people blurt it out recently, I cannot help but break down.
I cried in the bed trolley as strangers wheeled me from my ward to the operating theatre that day. I was just another human on the trolley. They were just doing their job. The nurse's "It's ok, everything will be fine" held no comforting impact on me.
It isn't life threatening or terminal but still, I spent one quiet night imagining the worst and started to cry. I thought first about you kids. How will you live the rest of your lives without mommy in the picture? Why of course you would, no matter how young. We all do because we are humans and we know how to [eventually] move on. Problem is, I don't want to miss out on yours. Your lives.
The one who always finds a way. The one you can depend on when you need a dinner reservation, throw a party or take your photograph. The one who can keep her calm even when her mom dies.
I've been told I'm strong but when people blurt it out recently, I cannot help but break down.
I cried in the bed trolley as strangers wheeled me from my ward to the operating theatre that day. I was just another human on the trolley. They were just doing their job. The nurse's "It's ok, everything will be fine" held no comforting impact on me.
It isn't life threatening or terminal but still, I spent one quiet night imagining the worst and started to cry. I thought first about you kids. How will you live the rest of your lives without mommy in the picture? Why of course you would, no matter how young. We all do because we are humans and we know how to [eventually] move on. Problem is, I don't want to miss out on yours. Your lives.
Then I thought about daddy. How's he going to trudge on without his another half sharing the load at home? We make a good team. We would be crippled, burnt out, ruined without either of us supporting the other. Or maybe not.
I wiped my silly tears and although I felt crappy, I decided that there are so many beautiful reasons to be Happy. No way should I be wasting my time thinking about things that are downright negative? I'll just head into the operating theatre after sending you little gnomes to school and be out by lunch. It's not like I'm going to die!
Never was I afraid of ghosts. Never was I afraid of heights. Never was I afraid of the pain in birthing you two. I am, though, afraid of the operating theatre which is cold, unwelcoming and suffocating. The first time I experienced it, it was with you Ewan. Delivering you in the operating theatre with me shaking uncontrollably on the table like a fish out of water and gasping for breath because I could not breathe. That was the scariest moment of my life.
Coming face-to-face with this operating theatre again frightened me but I showed none of these emotions to you, you and you. I didn't tell daddy to take leave from work because it's easier to play it down. "See you after work!" I told him. I smiled but inside, I was not at ease as I said goodbye to him in the pouring rain. We got you up as usual for school and sent you in, reminding you that I'll not be coming home that night. But of course, I will come back stronger with all the good juices that will be infused inside me - eight bags of antibiotics and two bags of iron.
You kids made me realise that I am the centre of your lives. How very much loved I am.
Faye: It makes me feel like crying [she cried] but it’s ok Mom. We have an invisible string tied to each other that we cannot see...
Ewan: and this string connects our love to your heart so you can receive it.
Mom: Wow! Where did you learn this from? [I was super touched]
You told me that it was a storybook your Kindergarten teachers read to you about an invisible string, teaching children to not be afraid if mom or dad aren’t physically nearby. We are always somewhere near and somewhere close, connected by an invisible string. The Invisible String.
It all started this year with my monthly menstruation gone wrong. It came on time. They always do. But this time, my blood flow was much lesser than before and it hurts. Mommy has a long history of endometriosis but they never quite hurt. I could always get on my daily routines without any issues. Yet this time, it hurts so bad in February, I couldn't get out of bed. I doubt you remember that morning but daddy sent you kids to school without me.
That afternoon, I crawled out of bed feeling a lot better and went to pick 妹妹 up from school. All was good and I didn't feel dizzy. The heat, the pain and a weak body must have caused me to faint on the way home. All thanks to neighbourly kampong spirit, we were all take care of by kindness [Kampong Spirit - Greatness is Kindness].
It was in May that I decided I should see a doctor.
The worst menstrual cramp was in July when Arcoxia no longer eased any pain for even a minute. I rode through that entire night sitting up because lying down was intolerable. It was impossible to sleep. I cried because the pain was akin to labour pains without epidural. I couldn't walk and if I had to, my body would be bent 90 degrees forward just to ease any amount of pain. My whole body from head to toe reverberated the pain and it was torturous. There were a few moments I was tempted to admit myself into the hospital for a jab to take that torture away. But I decided that I'll bear with it. There was hardly any blood flow through the agonising pain. How strange.
This time, my gynaecologist, the same one who delivered you both, decided I should stop procrastinating and do something about it. If I don't, I might end up with a surgery for my bladder and rectum in the near future.
We found out that there was little blood flow because it is clotting itself into a hardened mass in my uterus, causing it to be tilted backwards towards my posterior [my tummy hurts when I poo] and twisted in an undesirable position. The weight is pulling it out of place. That mass will only get bigger if I do not intervene. On top of that, I have polyps which needed to be removed and sent for biopsy. A few stubborn infections like e.coli, candida and I can't remember what else that needed to be stamped out.
Professor Tsakok went through all the options with me [one of which is the most natural way to solve this issue i.e. to get pregnant or mmm remove my womb which I am not willing] and we decided the route to burn/cook the mass would be it. So we burnt and we scrapped, we removed and we wait. We have to wait to see how my body reacts to the procedure and if Merina, a contraceptive IUD placed inside me for the next five years to release progesterone, will take the pain away.
Merina will stop menstrual flow [again, maybe, depending on my body's reaction]. Without blood flow, there won't be a chance of forming a bigger mass of hardened blood clots in the uterus. I don't want to be lying in bed and watch your little concerned faces saying goodbye to me as you prepare to head out without mommy. I don't want daddy to be overworking himself and I don't want grandparents to tire themselves up and down just to help us manage.
So a procedure was necessary.
I wanted very much to jump out of my hospital bed feeling like a million bucks. Why couldn't I? With eight bags of antibiotics, I should be cleared from all infections! With a second bag of iron reserve infused directly into my blood stream, I should be bouncy!
But I wasn't.
When you came to visit, I had already been sleeping the entire afternoon. General anesthesia does that to you. I smiled for you guys but when you weren't looking, I took a quite shut-eye and fell back asleep in 15 seconds. Mommy wished I was physically stronger. What I cannot do physically, I shall do mentally. Keeping a high on positivity will make things better.
So when I came home, I tried my best to be present. Present at your swim class, present at breakfast, present at wushu... but they tire me endlessly. After every little activity I tried to be present for, I broke into breathlessness and my ears started to ring.
Not yet. I am not ready to bounce back up but daddy had to go on his business trip. I tried the first day of his absence on my own cooking our meals and making sure we were all taken care of. It seemed manageable even though I was afraid I'd be doing too much with all the aftermath dish-washing.
I was unfortunately a wreck on our the second morning and had to rope in the help of neighbours, maternal and paternal grandparents. It takes two hours every morning to prep you guys for school including send-off and coming home. By the end of that two hours, even when you kiddos were a gem and got yourselves ready, I was panting, feeling dizzy, feeling useless and feeling lonely. Grandparents offered to help by bringing you back to their home after school but I missed you too much and wanted you guys home with me instead.
I cried because I felt useless. It has been slightly more than a week post-surgery. Yet, I still cannot send you to school, I cannot pick you from school, I will not be able to run alongside you at your Spartan races, I may not even make it for your Sports Day 哥 where I volunteered to be the school's photographer [But I'm trying my best to heal up to be there]. It is a dumb personal expectation which I forbid you two to ever feel. You are never useless and I am certain you didn't feel like I was useless during this recovery period. Mommy isn't very good at asking for help but my friends and family have always emphasised to me that they are just a call away. I didn't even have to call, I get texts checking on me every day, loved ones sending me food and 补品s.
I learnt that I need to ask for help when I can no longer handle it on my own. Surely, I want you to learn likewise. You are actually giving your loved ones a chance to give and to love when you allow them to step in to help. It doesn't make one weak. It makes you strong! And it makes the person helping you, happy.
It takes a village and I'm so thankful I've got this village supporting me in the background. You must also know, whenever you are in trouble, your village will always be there waiting to give you strength.
I am still tired mostly but because I've got this kampung, I'll never be too weak for this family. Even if the results of my biopsy came back undesirable. I'm extremely grateful the three polyps are removed and all benign. Waiting excitedly to be back in the game again!
Faye: It makes me feel like crying [she cried] but it’s ok Mom. We have an invisible string tied to each other that we cannot see...
Ewan: and this string connects our love to your heart so you can receive it.
Mom: Wow! Where did you learn this from? [I was super touched]
You told me that it was a storybook your Kindergarten teachers read to you about an invisible string, teaching children to not be afraid if mom or dad aren’t physically nearby. We are always somewhere near and somewhere close, connected by an invisible string. The Invisible String.
It all started this year with my monthly menstruation gone wrong. It came on time. They always do. But this time, my blood flow was much lesser than before and it hurts. Mommy has a long history of endometriosis but they never quite hurt. I could always get on my daily routines without any issues. Yet this time, it hurts so bad in February, I couldn't get out of bed. I doubt you remember that morning but daddy sent you kids to school without me.
That afternoon, I crawled out of bed feeling a lot better and went to pick 妹妹 up from school. All was good and I didn't feel dizzy. The heat, the pain and a weak body must have caused me to faint on the way home. All thanks to neighbourly kampong spirit, we were all take care of by kindness [Kampong Spirit - Greatness is Kindness].
It was in May that I decided I should see a doctor.
The worst menstrual cramp was in July when Arcoxia no longer eased any pain for even a minute. I rode through that entire night sitting up because lying down was intolerable. It was impossible to sleep. I cried because the pain was akin to labour pains without epidural. I couldn't walk and if I had to, my body would be bent 90 degrees forward just to ease any amount of pain. My whole body from head to toe reverberated the pain and it was torturous. There were a few moments I was tempted to admit myself into the hospital for a jab to take that torture away. But I decided that I'll bear with it. There was hardly any blood flow through the agonising pain. How strange.
This time, my gynaecologist, the same one who delivered you both, decided I should stop procrastinating and do something about it. If I don't, I might end up with a surgery for my bladder and rectum in the near future.
We found out that there was little blood flow because it is clotting itself into a hardened mass in my uterus, causing it to be tilted backwards towards my posterior [my tummy hurts when I poo] and twisted in an undesirable position. The weight is pulling it out of place. That mass will only get bigger if I do not intervene. On top of that, I have polyps which needed to be removed and sent for biopsy. A few stubborn infections like e.coli, candida and I can't remember what else that needed to be stamped out.
Professor Tsakok went through all the options with me [one of which is the most natural way to solve this issue i.e. to get pregnant or mmm remove my womb which I am not willing] and we decided the route to burn/cook the mass would be it. So we burnt and we scrapped, we removed and we wait. We have to wait to see how my body reacts to the procedure and if Merina, a contraceptive IUD placed inside me for the next five years to release progesterone, will take the pain away.
Merina will stop menstrual flow [again, maybe, depending on my body's reaction]. Without blood flow, there won't be a chance of forming a bigger mass of hardened blood clots in the uterus. I don't want to be lying in bed and watch your little concerned faces saying goodbye to me as you prepare to head out without mommy. I don't want daddy to be overworking himself and I don't want grandparents to tire themselves up and down just to help us manage.
So a procedure was necessary.
I wanted very much to jump out of my hospital bed feeling like a million bucks. Why couldn't I? With eight bags of antibiotics, I should be cleared from all infections! With a second bag of iron reserve infused directly into my blood stream, I should be bouncy!
But I wasn't.
When you came to visit, I had already been sleeping the entire afternoon. General anesthesia does that to you. I smiled for you guys but when you weren't looking, I took a quite shut-eye and fell back asleep in 15 seconds. Mommy wished I was physically stronger. What I cannot do physically, I shall do mentally. Keeping a high on positivity will make things better.
So when I came home, I tried my best to be present. Present at your swim class, present at breakfast, present at wushu... but they tire me endlessly. After every little activity I tried to be present for, I broke into breathlessness and my ears started to ring.
Not yet. I am not ready to bounce back up but daddy had to go on his business trip. I tried the first day of his absence on my own cooking our meals and making sure we were all taken care of. It seemed manageable even though I was afraid I'd be doing too much with all the aftermath dish-washing.
I was unfortunately a wreck on our the second morning and had to rope in the help of neighbours, maternal and paternal grandparents. It takes two hours every morning to prep you guys for school including send-off and coming home. By the end of that two hours, even when you kiddos were a gem and got yourselves ready, I was panting, feeling dizzy, feeling useless and feeling lonely. Grandparents offered to help by bringing you back to their home after school but I missed you too much and wanted you guys home with me instead.
I cried because I felt useless. It has been slightly more than a week post-surgery. Yet, I still cannot send you to school, I cannot pick you from school, I will not be able to run alongside you at your Spartan races, I may not even make it for your Sports Day 哥 where I volunteered to be the school's photographer [But I'm trying my best to heal up to be there]. It is a dumb personal expectation which I forbid you two to ever feel. You are never useless and I am certain you didn't feel like I was useless during this recovery period. Mommy isn't very good at asking for help but my friends and family have always emphasised to me that they are just a call away. I didn't even have to call, I get texts checking on me every day, loved ones sending me food and 补品s.
I learnt that I need to ask for help when I can no longer handle it on my own. Surely, I want you to learn likewise. You are actually giving your loved ones a chance to give and to love when you allow them to step in to help. It doesn't make one weak. It makes you strong! And it makes the person helping you, happy.
It takes a village and I'm so thankful I've got this village supporting me in the background. You must also know, whenever you are in trouble, your village will always be there waiting to give you strength.
I am still tired mostly but because I've got this kampung, I'll never be too weak for this family. Even if the results of my biopsy came back undesirable. I'm extremely grateful the three polyps are removed and all benign. Waiting excitedly to be back in the game again!
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