I say, "Good Riddance to 2017"

I didn't like my 2017. In fact, I remember I started the year on a bad note feeling very disappointed over certain things. Meyer brought me to Universal Studios Singapore on 1st Jan 2017 and I spent all the queuing hours pouring my heart out to him. It rained while we played and I cried with the storm. 

Those were put aside soon after because I figured what matters most are the people who appreciates me for who I am. I didn't live 35 years to realise that of course. Just that sometimes, we get blinded  [temporarily] and forget to look at the big picture. I was 35 and not 15? Come on! I should know who and what matters the most. 

2017 had been killing me softly. 

1. I solo-parented more than I would like with Meyer travelling so much for work and school 

2. The solo-days when I played the role of a man, meeting with contractors and workers to get things moving for mmlittle家

3. I took up more responsibilities that weren't my problem to keep

4. I went through a horrible downward spiral that I started going for counselling two months ago

I confided in Meyer on the 30th [December] night.

I shared how I felt and we didn't sleep till 0400 hours. Vocalising those inner thoughts was extremely hard. I told him I actually felt like I had enough of life. Yes, even with so much love going on around me. I am tired and resting forever sounds like something I would like. I do not look forward to any me-time nor going out on a Girls-Only-Holiday. My husband listened to me intently and gave me a very honest reply, "Resting forever? Well you can't do that in Singapore. You probably have to go where it is legalised." I know euthanasia is illegal here and I am not proactively looking to end my life. However, I just felt like I am Done with Life. 

I am very tired but also contented. I didn't feel like I needed to watch my children grow into adults. These are already the best years when they still make me feel my worth as a mother. I am not interested to go through those rebellious adult life that they will have. I am not interested in the near future of Primary One either. 

Ewan and Faye asked me just yesterday what I would like for a birthday present. Meyer replied, "Just two very good children who listens." I actually don't need that. I am happy that they are good and bad in the same day. They are just being children. 

I gave it some thought but there was nothing I wanted. 

It had been years when friends and family celebrated my birthdays and they would ask me to make a wish before blowing the candles out. I will always close my eyes but made no wish at all. I had none. 

Maybe my standards are low or maybe my life's really too blessed to ask for anything more. On-lookers including my husband think that 我太好命了 [my life's too good]. I do not deny it. Just look at the pictures I post and the stories I write! I don't mask any of it and they are all true. We've got a beautiful home, a happy family and if you asked me questions like "What insurance policies do you have?", "Oh is your condominium freehold or 99 years?" or "How much did you pay for this new place?", my answer would be, "I don't know."

Because my husband takes care of everything! My only responsibility is eat, drink and be merry. 

*hahaha* No it isn't. My responsibility is to give my children the opportunity to grow up in a safe and steady environment; keeping them healthy and happy. What's so difficult about that job? Good life right? Staying at home and never had to worry a day about money. 

Oh but it really isn't just like that. A full-time mothering job is relentless and cruel. It is exhausting.

After three surprise birthday celebrations from Serene, Iori, Sylvia, Ashlyn, Janice, Angie and Summer, I felt even more emotional than before. No doubt, I felt very loved. At the same time, I do not deserve any of those. Had I been a good friend to them? Enough to have them go the extra mile for me? I didn't think I had. 

Nat was the first to send me my gift exactly two weeks before today and she shared how she went one too many shops over several lunch breaks just to find me that perfect present. That much effort for a friend.

The helper who brought me up gave me a call from Hong Kong this morning just to wish me Happy Birthday! Nita, the one who made me wrote "My Maid Is My Mother" last year, I am sure you are proud of me and of yourself for you re-shared this article again on Facebook today. 

15 minutes ago, a friend I just made [she is Ewan's classmate's mom who I chat with while waiting for our sons to knock off from school] sent me a gift card to The Outcall Spa wishing me HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Miyan, you really didn't have to. We don't even go out for tea and our chats had never been deep nor personal. She just said, "Blessed to know you." 

The best message came in at 1516 hours today from someone who means the world to me. Our friendship comes with a turbulent history and it feels like sh*t when we had a disagreement earlier in 2017. Thinking about it zaps my energy each time. Even listening to a sentimental song would trigger those tear ducts when I think of her. A simple "Happy Birthday" text after months of silence seemed too surreal but I appreciate it. 

I am touched beyond words by my girls and the outpouring birthday greetings from my readers on Instagram and Facebook. Without you, I think I wouldn't be able to embrace 2018 positively. 

So what's my problem with having enough of life? I don't know if it's my birthday or because it's the New Year, I am always feeling all emotional with the arrival of 1st Jan. Maybe it's the time of the year when I start to reflect. So we feed, play, care for the kids and indulge in some couple time. And then? We do it all over again, the year restarts once again, and then what? Eventually, we leave this world with nothing, just like how we came with nothing. 

Meyer says it's all in our eulogy - whose lives we have impacted and what kind of person we are being remembered as. Oh but damn that eulogy. I'm dead already. Unless maybe if I found the cure to cancer.  

I am just glad I am almost done putting up mmlittle家 together [tomorrow's the final day to put up that bar table in our bedroom]. I am heartened to share that I needn't go back for more counselling [I think I'm all better now]. Meyer's travels are more stable from this year and I shouldn't be solo-parenting as much. 

Wishing to kick-start 2018 with a lot more energy and positivity. 

Oh there! I just made a wish for my 36th Birthday!

To Mr Meyer Yang my rock, thank you for giving me this family. Love you all!

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A stay at home mum, blogging to widen her social life. 
We want to echo the sound of love through our lives to inspire other mothers alike.