Raising Boys: The Hovering Mothers' Expectations

Ewan used to run and jump into my arms whenever he saw me in school. He would hang on me so tight like a koala with all his friends around us watching.

“Ewan! You not shy?” His friends asked. 

“NO!” as he continued to lay his head on my shoulders as I koala-hugged him.

His friends always greet and hang around me whenever I was in school. Yes, even now in Primary 6. He mentioned once, “Gosh! All of them like you!” and I felt a tinge of jealousy and mmm yea pride too because mommy is popular. But he is torn about how he should react so he started to sprint away from me. Sometimes with a cheeky smile on his face, other times he would shoo me away with a groan because people do notice me and when they do, many will go to him, “Your mommy! Your mommy!”

I did not take this well at first because I expected to see happiness instead of embarrassment on his face! I mean, all the other moms who are parent volunteers share on social media about how happy their children are when they see their mommies right? So why is mine different!

He must be ungrateful, childish and oh man.. what did I do wrong while raising him all these years? Why is he not excited to see me [anymore/to begin with]? 

It has nothing to do with you mama. 

The kid is growing up!

So don’t turn that into anger towards the child’s attitude. 

Do you continue parent volunteering? Sure if you think the school values you! I do not sneak around to look for Ewan anymore and just focus on my job. I am happy to be there interacting with his friends when they come find me or really, just there to be involved and to be in the know. Sometimes he comes running towards me with them just to disturb me and sometimes he doesn't. I take them all.

You know boys are often like an open book and that is so wonderful! Such a gift if we don't see it as brash. Let us appreciate that they do not hide their Anger, Sadness, Joy, Jealousy from themselves or from us! I must admit I scolded him many times for not knowing how to control his emotions and I showed little empathy about what he was going through.

I complained to Faye once, “Argh! Why can’t he think before he react! Why are his reactions so big and explosive! Can’t he control himself and string his words properly without hurting people?”

Faye, the calm and collected wise lady, reminded me, “Mommy, you do know that it is very hard to control our anger when we are angry right? You can’t think and act too when you are angry! How can he?”

No I can’t. She was right and I told her she was right. I keep trying so hard for him to comply but he deserves to be heard too. 

Strong-willed boys have the precious ability to not bottle up all their feelings and they will lash out their complains whether through anger or tears or loosely-said words that we hold on to. It is irritating that they move on almost immediately after that and we misunderstand them as ungrateful. 

Mommies who cannot deal with it and try to fix their children's moods every time so that we can teach gratefulness are irritating too.

Despite all of Ewan’s seemingly “ungrateful nature” because he complains more than he gives thanks, he is also the one who holds my hand, hugs me in bed, makes me laugh or texts me whenever he is angry with something. His way of giving thanks is different from the way I would like to receive it. 

Obvi isn’t it when our love languages are different? Mine are Words of Affirmation and his is Physical Touch! I had always been fishing for “Thank You”s and “I Love You”s but he has been giving me touches and quality time instead! It hadn't been non-existent!

Our children are not required to decipher and manoeuvre around these complex languages? It is our job as adults to pick these little things up and refrain from berating them for their simplicity. It is not that these boys aren’t loving us back! It is just in ways you cannot understand and here we are, the adults, wondering why it is so hard to raise boys.

Oh boys boys boys. They are a handful yes but they are also easier to handle than girls. In my honest opinion, at least I don’t have to guess how he is feeling right now because it is written all over his face! *hahah* 

Ewan is 12 now and we had a recent spat. So recent it was only a week ago. A great piece to share for everyone else to introspect.

So I was out, I saw Krispy Kreme and decided to get him a donut. What a treat it would be because I often say No to junk. What a good mommy to earn brownie points. I was pumped!

The excitable Anna in me pictured this amazing scene, “I am going to personally pick him up after school today and wave this donut at him from afar! This time, I won’t just wait in the carpark for him. I will stand outside his school gate because ooooooo! So exciting to see his face light up to chocolate donut! We will walk to the car and he will gobble down this yummilicious thing of a sugary treat before we even drive off. Three dollars thirty cents and tooth decay worth the while.”

Well, it did not happen as I envisioned?

And what I want to say here is, we mommies get angry because the picture did not materialise the way we wanted!

Did we bother thinking otherwise? We did not. 

Did we think the kid may be having a tummyache that day and did not want the treat? We did not.

Did we wonder if he will feel embarrassed with a mom and donut standing at the school gate waiting for a big boy like him? We did not.

I gave him a lecture when my picture perfect did not materialise. He pretended not seeing me and just gave me a nod when he saw me in front of the school gate. I lured him with the donut and he said he did not want it. 

I started using words like “expensive $3.30 donut”, “unappreciative”, “only for you”, “so rude”, “apologise”, “next time go home yourself”.

There you go! Back to what Faye said!  

“You can’t think and act too when you are angry! How can he?”

We reached home and I jumped into a shower to cool myself down. Funny how a quick rinse gives you clarity! Oh cliché much but it did its job.

As the shower pelted me with lucidity, I thought about how wrong that school pick-up felt to him. 

“It was so out of the norm because mommy doesn’t usually wait outside the school gate. Waving Krispy Kreme at me seems like I am a baby in front of my friends. I did not say I don’t like it! I love it and I appreciate it! I just did not want to eat it in front of my friends! She kept badgering me about me being rude but I just want to quickly get into the car after 9 hours of school!” I imagined his thoughts as I put myself in his shoes as a 12 year old male descent.

Flashbacks of my own youth came flooding in and I decided to speak to him when I was done with my shower. 

As soon as I came out, Ewan had a chess board in his hands and suggested we played a few games. Look how fast these boys move on! 

I told him I suddenly remembered how I told my mother to not pick me up from school. If she really wanted to, please wait for me a block away and hide behind the pillar. 

We both had a good game of chess and a good laugh. He finally felt understood. 

I am not saying they are never in the wrong and we must always keep ourselves in check as adults. However, we can handle the situation with more maturity and stop trying to change their moods. It is our job to teach them and raise them yes! We can do that with tact and not guilt-trip them with words like “disappointed in you”. 

Worst of all, compare our family situation with others. 

“Other people’s children are so happy to see their mothers! Do you know it is a privilege? Why can’t you show appreciation! What have I done wrong! I guess you don’t love me as much.” complains the crying Asian parent. 

No…no no…. They did not say any of these. We painted this monstrous picture of them when all they did "wrong" was react in a different manner from what we expect.

I learnt that when I listened and I give thought to his proposals, we gain a lot more respect for each other. 

Remember, our intention of discipline today is meant to raise a better attitude kid of the future. But if the child is always misunderstood and shot down for his opinions, the healing process in their teens is going to be much much harder.

Raising boys are easy. Just go with the flow. They are the simple ones while we are the complicated ones.

Give them a chance to show you.

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A stay at home mum, blogging to widen her social life. 

We want to echo the sound of love through our lives to inspire other mothers alike.