Counselling Ewan: Anger can be tied to Anxiety

I use to be a Tinkle Friend. You know the helpline school encourages primary school children to call when their are feeling lonely or distressed, especially in situations when their parents are unavailable? We provide support and guide them through their emotional fears or uncertainties. It was something I did in my late 20s as a volunteer when I quit my job to be my mother's main caregiver from her cancer relapse.

The trainings I underwent with Singapore Children's Society proved to be fruitful but I do not think I remembered much of it. Sometimes I felt like it was such a waste that I am not applying the same counselling skills I had learnt on my children when they needed it. 

This morning though, I saw for myself that Ewan benefitted from my short impromptu chat with him. Tears welled up in his eyes as he listened and they started streaming down his cheeks. I probably hit the sweet spot and it got him really emotional.

Words have the power to evoke deep emotions and I have a knack for that. I can make or break a person so easily with my words. Not exactly a good thing when I am furious you know?

So yesterday was a very intense day for all of us at home. Ewan was on overdrive. His anger was persistent, out of the norm, the moment he woke and he bit hard on everything and everyone. Natural instinct for me was to correct. My way of putting him in place is always to explain what went wrong. However, everything I said yesterday, he had a rebuttal. A rebuttal for literally everything. 

8.00 am: Attitude was bad with mom.

9.30 am: Finding trouble with his sister.

1.00 pm: Finding trouble with his sister again.

3.00pm: Extremely rude with me.

7.00pm: Used the words "Whatever", "I Don't Care" and "I Leave. I Go Away Then!"

At first, I was patient but stern. 

Come 3pm, I lost it but we had a reset.

Then 7.00pm came and it was after his badminton game with his friend. Him using the above words when he came into the car hurt so much that I felt as though I had been wrung out in the sink. I explained calmly again that I do not allow the word "Hate" or "Don't Care" and many others in this house. It is just the House Rules and that's it! Full-Stop.

"Leave? Go ahead." I pointed at the side of his car door and beckoned calmly for him to leave. I know I shouldn't have said that but I was also getting really angry by this time after he continued arguing with me for the umpteenth time. He said he can't because he won't be able to survive. This is when I told him, "Then do not use words this loosely. Also, Respect Is Not Optional. It is a given. You do not disrespect the people who provide, love and care for you. In fact, you do not disrespect anyone at all regardless of their age. There is no rebuttal for this. I need you to try to not step on all of our toes on purpose."

Out of spite, he said he can never do that. 

Still, he wanted to fight. Push came to shove, I told him I will help him practice good manners then. It will be unconventional but if he is not willing to try it on his own, we will do my method. If this method doesn't work, I'll come up with something else again. 

With that, I announced that he just lost his right of waking up to play 30 minutes of game every morning from here on. For every day that he wants to claim back his gaming sesh at nightfall, he needs to first prove himself with good manners for the day. I'm sure that is huge motivation for him to watch what he says to me and think before he pokes his sister.

Honestly, the punishment had no link to whatever the problem was and many parenting experts say we cannot do that. However, I told him I am lost for words and ideas on how to handle this because it had been a whole day of arguments and he had zero inclination to make a change for tomorrow. 

He just felt like everyone were annoying to him! We didn't even do anything. Just the sight of us?

I obviously could not sleep as the day's events played out in my mind. I read up on Anger and hey... could Anger be tied to Anxiety? I decided to speak to him when he woke and impart the small piece of knowledge I learnt with him.

Mom: Hey Ewan good morning *hugs*

Ewan: Good morning *smiles*

Mom: Do you think Anger can be tied to Anxiety? 

Ewan: How can it be?

Mom: You were on overdrive yesterday. It is unusual that you got reprimanded by us from morning to night; for every little thing you do. You felt angry at every little thing which led to so much bad manners! Let's talk about what happened.

Ewan: *nodded*

Mom: So I read up to help you and to help me. Anger may be tied to Anxiety. Let us go through yesterday's string of events and pick up anything that might have made you felt anxious. You were going for your Math Holiday Programme and you know that the questions were going to be very hard. Do you feel worried about not being able to catch up?

Ewan: Yes. 

Mom: Do you feel like it is already June and the uncertainties after Primary School is daunting? Like you don't know what to expect after PSLE?

Ewan: *nodded* tears welling up

Mom: Oh and yesterday, we decided that you should finish your school holiday homework which is Chinese Composition. Did you feel like it is the end of the world because you really do not like to write stories in Chinese?

Ewan: Oh my goodness Yes! Thinking about needing to do it was already makes me want to cry.

Mom: *hahah* How about badminton sparring? Did you feel pressured to want to win your opponent last evening because he beat you the previous evening and was nervous about it. 

Ewan: I was. 

He cried. 

Mom: This is it Ewan. Now you understand why you were feeling all so difficult yesterday and wanted to fight about every little thing. Now I understand too why you were feeling so much anger! By talking about it, these difficult emotions will naturally go away. Translating that to anger and putting it on your family is not right. So promise me, whenever you feel like this, let us sit down and talk it away. 

Ewan: I don't think it is so simple. 

Mom: It is. This is great! I only know about this as an adult but I am now sharing with you what I've learnt! You are learning this as a kid and it will definitely benefit you much when you grow up as an adult. You will know what to do when you have feelings like these again. Don't worry about the Math Holiday Programme. You are not required to understand EVERYTHING in one seating. We can always come back to the questions again together and find a solution! 

He looked visibly happier and at ease after the talk. I felt comforted too. Ewan is a good boy and I do not want him to feel lousy about himself during this confusing period of tweening. This was when I felt like it was a proper counsel once again. Yet, it wasn't *haha* because in proper counselling, we cannot be suggestive but ask only open-ended questions *woops* I did forget the 101 in Counselling *haha*

To you reading it, Anger could also be tied to Anxiety for you or even your child. I was not understanding my child yesterday and criticised his behaviour. For a problem like this to be resolved, sometimes all it takes is to acknowledge, talk it away and have a good hearty cry.

Cheers to HARMONY!

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