From Birth Plans to Death Plans
The children had been schooled by the School of Life [and Death] two weekends ago when their Great Grandma passed away after a month's hospitalisation from COVID and Cancer. Due to the hospital's strict rules for visitors, we were given special one-item visits only towards the end of her life. I had wanted to bring my children but the grands said maybe we shouldn't frighten them with how frail and unrecognisable their great grandma looked at that time. Maybe the kids should be kept away from the hospital where germs harbour.
But we all agreed they should be present at the wake.
Ewan and Faye amassed a wealth of exposure which will shape them to who they will be as grown adults. Well, at least I hope to believe that! While some feel it’s perhaps wiser I left the kids somewhere else while I busied myself at the wake, I felt strongly that they be present to understand what Respect, Family and Responsibility meant by hanging around.
They witnessed a mixture of emotions from solemn to anger to laughter and to peace. I observed them as they watched quietly at certain possibly unnerving scenes like seeing their father carry my grandmother's into the wake. I took every quiet opportunity to unpack the scenes into words. “Did you also see those Malay and Indian uncles holding joss-sticks and bowing to great grandma? I am very impressed by them because they are obviously Muslims and Hindus ya? Maybe their religions do not allow them to do so, I don’t know. But they still did it out of respect and that is so very admirable. I myself learnt something so important today too!” I asked them as we opened the topic up for discussion.
We also spoke about how my two youngest cousins offered to take up the overnight duties to free their parents, uncles and aunties from the toughness of keeping vigil [守夜] at the wake. At their age of 50s to 70s, it'll be hard on their health after entertaining guests for the entire day.
"Do you know we have to stay overnight at wakes to keep great grandma "company" and be like security guards to watch the space? Uncle A and Aunty A are such filial children to their parents. They offered to take up this job so their parents can rest. This is filial piety and we should be so proud of their gestures." I shared as they listened intently.
It made parenting even more meaningful [well, and of course a lot more tiring] than it already is. I am just glad they hadn’t found the burial ceremony traumatising. The process was detailed and witnessing it first-hand gave them a realistic understanding of this temporary life we have on Earth.
Frankly, I do not know if they understood me when I said to appreciate the “now” but I still passed the message on nonetheless. There is no Life without Death. The notion of value would be non-existent otherwise. Hence we can say that death is a beautiful invention of life. It isn’t something we should be shielding our children from. I believe in spirits but I am not a "pantang" person. Especially not when we can show them through these experiences, lessons on how we should conduct ourselves as filial children should.
And one of many lessons they learnt: They had to deal with disappointment as we cancelled their long-awaited birthday staycaytion at Capella planned for their dad. I hope they saw that material things in life should never supersede the support we ought to give to our family when troubles arise.
Maybe this mommy talk to much *haha* But it was from all the late-night chatting with my parents during my childhood, teen hood and young adulthood that I was inherited so many invaluable life lessons I hold dearly today. I enjoyed those conversations throughly and will continue engaging Ewan and Faye with my stories which hopefully will bring them invaluable lessons they will hold dearly as the grow up into responsible adults.
While we spend lots of time discussing openly Birth Plans, I personally feel Death Plans are equally important to make. We cannot say for sure we will live up to Singapore's mean age of 80. Life is so fleeting and we all have to acknowledge that.
I took this opportunity to share with Ewan and Faye [and Meyer] how I'd like to contribute back to society even after my death. It is so important to communicate such wishes to our children when we are sane and alive to avoid disputes amongst children.
Please donate my body to the Department of Anatomy in NUS Medicine after my demise. It is my gift for the future of medicine as young promising medical students study my organs to benefit thousands of Singaporean patients.
Typically, the School utilises each donated body within 18 to 36 months to teach medical undergraduate and postgraduate programmes. Where no request exists for the return of the body after use, the School will assume responsibility for the disposal of the remains and pay for the cost of cremation as well as subsequent burial at sea.
Mommy doesn't know yet if I'd like to have a wake. This, I shall let you decide since this ceremony is mainly carried out to relief the pain of the living. I am not big on traditions so if you'd like friends and family to attend the wake like a wedding, go right ahead! Hopefully, when my time comes, there will be beautiful funeral garden grounds for rental instead of Void Decks! NUS Medicine will wait and they can take my body after a day, three days or five days as you prefer. Thereafter, I've requested that my ashes be returned to you instead of a sea burial which they have also agreed.
Know that I'd love for you to me put back in soil and plant me from a mere seed into a Rain Tree or any tree you'd like to remember me by. I shall bear fruits and flowers, provide shade and shelter, be the lungs Earth so needs. I love what you said to me when you were seven years old Faye, "Since you like to help people so much, becoming a tree can provide homes to squirrels and birds and woodpecker! What if someone comes chop you down mommy? Oh it's ok! You can be turned into paper for us to use and we will recycle you again."
I absolutely love this idea. You made me feel extremely useful now! *haha*
This website helped me understand a lot more about being an Organ Donor. There are two schemes: HOTA and MTERA. The donor is able to choose between donating her organs to directly enrich the lives of others in need or donate her body to NUS, Department of Anatomy, Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine for research. Filling this organ donation form [MTERA] up now and making sure I take care of not only my life on Earth today but until the day I heave my last breath.
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