Forgotten Letters - When we lost her to Cancer

I decided to camp in hospital by my mom's bedside the week leading to her passing. I don't know what made me but I was glad I did. She had been battling cancer for seven years with two unfortunate relapses in between. Chemotherapy, radiology, blood platelet transfusions and even a failed attempt to a bone marrow transplant. There were a lot of tears, sorrow and pain. 

If not for our recent move, I would have cleanly forgotten about these letters I've written every night by her bedside. Letters that even my family had never seen nor read before. I couldn't sleep, afraid that she might silently slip away from me. I stayed awake for as long as I could and wrote these letters to account for each day that she had been alive. It was a bittersweet feeling when I uncovered them during my unpacking. I hadn't had the courage to read them again until now - when I decided to digitise them by re-typing my words for the blog lest they get lost forever. 

It has been five years and today marks her death anniversary. It is surreal that as I write, I realise that 6th to 11th of June in 2011 carried the same days as the 6th to 11th of June in 2016. 11th June was a Saturday then and 11th June today is a Saturday as well.

6th June 2011 . Day 1 . Monday

Twelve noon and mummy finally said Yes to a hospital admission. She hasn't been eating well in months and had lost her appetite with each passing day. It came to a point where staples like rice or meat were too hard to chew on, too hard to swallow. The tumour has spread from her throat to her legs, enabling her from walking on her own. Her dependency on wheelchair heightened and shifted to human assistance for all movements. She relented to a commode for her daily toilet trips. She reached a point where pain is too much for her to bear and her energy level dipped drastically because she had almost zero food intake. What relief when she said Yes to my suggestion to be admitted to the hospital. 

I called the doctors and nurses to carry out the arrangements and we had her admitted in no time. A private ambulance was called and they arrived in 30 minutes to have her transferred to Ward 57, Bed 38 at NUH. My mother, the iron lady, who refuses to stay in hospital has checked in. My mother, the stubborn princess who refuses to be admitted into the cancer ward, has checked in to one. My mother, with a never-dying spirit, is dying. It is so hard to believe that this day is finally here. That we are at the end of the road. Soon. 

She vomited blood tonight. What a sight. What a horrific sight. To see my mum this sick is heartbreaking. To know that one day, it will be me lying on the hospital bed suffering the same fate does not scare me. It just... well, I think euthanasia would be legalised in Singapore by then. 

She finished her third bag of platelets at 0015hrs. Let us hope she sleeps through tonight. No sleeping pills given. Me? I cannot sleep. I do hope they can ease her pain in the hospital. I do hope that they can somehow put some food in her stomach. Otherwise, I would have lied to her. She wouldn't have wanted to leave this world in the hospital.

7th June 2011 . Day 2 . Tuesday

Woke up at 1200hrs today after staying vigil at my mother's bedside. The morphine and low blood pressure kept her asleep the whole night without sleeping pills. Took 20 mints to get myself ready for the hospital again. I so want to rush in to make sure that everything is find for her. That she is not in pain. That she is still breathing and comfortable.

The dietician came. The palliative doctor came. And all asked the same question. Even the medical officer.

"Are you prepared? 

Her timeframe is within hours or days."

I looked calm. Like a gentle breeze. But inside me, I am not registering their concerns. Yes, I know she is deteriorating but as long as she is still fighting, there is hope. She didn't think this admission would lead to death. She thought this admission would bring her energy level back up. That was my intention anyways. But the doctors don't seem to be on the same page as us. They asked for my intention... and I said I wanted her to die in comfort. That was the answer they wanted to hear and I let them hear it. Though, I was hoping for a littler recovery. 

Meyer reminded me before he left me tonight, "Remember you told the doctor you won't want them to resuscitate your mother and let her a natural death." Yes. I needed that reminder because if I see her struggling tonight, I would have called for help. How natural is that right? But we all know that resuscitation would mean suffering on Earth for her. There is no recovery but prolonged pain. I do not want her to be in pain. 

Should she die at home or in the hospital? Yet another decision to make. How would you rationalise this? I didn't ask for anybody's opinion but my initial thought was, in hospital. She hates the hospital and always tires to avoid admission. Yet now, when it comes to her death, I chose the hospital over home. Why? I see question marks on the faces of my family. Even Meyer. I rationalise it like this: "I am giving her hope by convincing her to stay in the hospital for tubed food. If I sent her home, she will think that I have given up on her. Would it be better living her end of days in hope or sorrow?" Though everyone never openly disagreed but they gave me a look of doubt. Their expressions say, "mmmm okay. That logic could work too but we never say it that way."

We dropped the morphine dosage after 2pm today so that she can be less drowsy, allowing her to communicate with us as much as possible. She will be dropped off morphine for as long as she can take the pain. I would love to speak with her again and Yes, we got that chance. She responded most with Wai Chong and Daddy. They could make her speak today and kept her awake the longest. My father means so much to her that his presence kept her sober and wide awake. She stayed clear [of morphine] for as long as he was around. What a pity they did not work out an open relationship with one another. It would have made things happier and easier for her. A goodnight kiss from dad and she slept sweetly through the night. 

8th June 2011 . Day 3. Wednesday

Awake. Visited mummy at 1500hrs and it's goof to see her up and talking. Never in my wildest dreams that I'll find her reprimands soothing to my ear. We laughed when she argued and got frustrated because that clearly meant, "She is back!" Glad to know that she is also not in too much pain.

A surprise visitor today. Sayalay [a Burmese nun and friend]. She came unannounced and though mummy was too tired to speak to her, I was sure she was happy. She comforted mum and wished her well. The only few things mum said to her was, "I cannot recover anymore." Sayalay assured her that she will and even conduct a special meditation class for Gloria [Gloria is my mother]. 

It has been three weeks since our disagreement [with my dear friend, Xiao Bin]. Xiao Bin and Edmund came to visit and that brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't help but to evade their eyes in case they saw that glistening tear. Mummy recognised them and could even ask Xiao Bin to help her with the pillow at her leg. Daddy was there too.

Daddy left to send Yoli [our helper] home and when he came back to see her, she was pleasantly surprised. In fact, she shared her surprise with him. We stayed with her, talked to her and comforted her. Daddy asked for her forgiveness and she forgave. She told him, "I Love You". She looked at me and it felt nice for me to return those words to her. 

I left for home to sleep after seeing her fall into slumber tonight. 

9th June 2011 . Day 4 . Thursday

Mummy passed me the key to her drawer and I spent a few hours clearing it. Lots of passport sized photographs, cash, credit cards, discount cards, jewellery and back-dated receipts. Wow! My mum sure knows how to collect rubbish. The most prized possession I found was  letter written by daddy to mummy in 1978. So I See, daddy had better handwriting when he was younger. I used to write to Meyer and vice versa. It seems that marriage takes that away from us since we see one another so often. We should write again. 

Letters are a beautiful way of communicating love, anger, sorrow and emotions.

1830hrs and she asked for morphine. We gave it to her, hoping her pain will be taken away. Oh yes, Danny flew in to visit briefly today. A detour from Vietnam to Bangkok. A huge bunch of flowers came alone. Danny is a superstar! He is a my father's client but my mum and him shared a special friendship. I wonder if I'll have friends like hers. They love her so much There must be a reason right? Saw a note and letter from another friend from Australia, telling her how wonderful she is as a person. Mummy helped her a lot when she was in Singapore with a lost luggage. The gratitude they had for her was beyond words and my mother helped from her heart. To think I had been upset with my mother because I thought she did not match up to my expectations shamed me. Yes, she was selfish to always want us around, troubling us with all the chauffeuring but truly, that's all she ever wanted. To be close to the people she loved. 

Like some siao, it could be good that this sickness is taking her slowly. So that we, family and friends, can take time to stay with her as compared to a sudden death. Then again, it is so hard to see her going day by day. 

Carole and Nick came to visit too and we heard to The Peak for a Sarpino's feast. Rushed back to the hospital to meet with Zee, Wan and Stefanie [my friends]. Their support and encouragement was much needed and I appreciated it. 

Ah Gim [mummy's eldest sister-in-law] came prepared tonight for night duty. Though I didn't want the older generation to tire themselves out, I thought the offer was almost a saving grace. I would love to sleep, in my own bed. 

10th June 2011 . Day 5 . Friday

I arrived at the hospital today at 0645hrs to relief Ah Gim. She had her squeaky hospital fold-out bed kept and was resting on the cushy armchair instead. Mummy woke up at 0300hrs in pain and discomfort. I stayed with her and made sure she wasn't in any major pain. At least she is feeling better now with a more stabilised BP reading. However, she was feeling helpless which frustrated her. She didn't write like it that nurses had to wait after her when she clears her bowels.

Daddy came and I went off getting shaved ice for her parched lips. She chokes on water and so shaved ice is the next best thing. At least she could keep them in her mouth until it melts. It is a pity ice was all she could stomach orally. Her last proper meal was at Peony Jade with Aunty Alice. She had soup, fish, tofu and even dessert! Oh how great was that! She didn't even needed us to assist her with feeding. I was, or we were all so very pleased. 

Daddy wanted to ease her frustrations and came up with a bright idea! Mummy and I were excited to carry out our little excursion as a family. A walk in the park. We sought help from the nurses [3 of them] to carry her off the bed and onto the wheelchair. It sounded and looked promising! We wheeled her to the Children's playground on the fourth floor and took a short break there. She got so thirsty, we had to feed her H2O. Her strength and BP dropped so much from the transfer [bed to wheelchair, wheelchair to the bench in the playground] that she can no longer hold her head up on her own. I had to support her head with my hand! She suddenly became very weak and started to slip off the wheelchair. We rushed her back to the hospital bed where she rested, rested and rested. 

Tonight, Yoli will take over the night shift. Mummy asked at 2300hrs, "Are we going home right away?" I said, "No we can't!" She got so angry that she shared that she said, "I don't want to go home anymore Thank You!"

I head a song over the radio and it brought me down to tears.

"Thank you for loving me. For being my eyes. When I couldn't see. For parting my lips. When I couldn't breathe. Thank you for loving me. You pick me up when I fall down. You ring the bell before they count me out. If I was drowning, you would part the sea. And risk your own life to rescue me. Thank you for loving me."

Life is so unpredictable. Hmm predictable yet unpredictable. My mum passed away the next day on the 11th of June 2011. I bet she chose her death date and waited for this Saturday to bid farewell to us all. She liked all things beautiful including dates. 

It was a stormy Saturday morning. With Yoli staying overnight with her and daddy taking over the morning shift, I spent the morning with Meyer and we went shopping at Takashimaya. We were deciding between the designs of two Narumi crockeries when daddy called to say that mum looked like she could not longer hold out anymore. We dropped everything, not breaking anything of course, and sped our way to NUH.

When we arrived, she was given the oxygen mask to help with her breathing. She saw us and said, "Today I will die. I am ready to go. Take out all these tubes in my body now." That is my mother. Headstrong, determined, clear-headed and certain. I guess I took after her and Faye took after us. 

She held on for hours and waited for all her brothers [all five of them] to arrive with their family. Everyone were sobbing by her bedside and she said bade her final goodbye. What I am about to recount sounds really comical but it really went on like this,

"Ok I am going already. Goodbye everyone." She closed her eyes and waited. Opened her eyes and grumbled, "Why am I still here! I want to die already!"

I laughed! My mother was too cute. For a moment, I didn't think she was going to die at all! We stayed with her and saw her drift in and out of sleep. Out of nowhere, she announced that she wanted to go home. We discharged her immediately and sent her home in an ambulance. She chose to have me and my cousin, Loo Yi, in the ambulance with her. I blamed the ambulance for zapping her last breath out of her. It was a private ambulance and I swear to God, I will never use private ambulances again! The suspension of the ambulance is unlike the hospital's ones. They are smaller and whenever they go on high speed, the bumps on the roads are significantly enhanced. There was a nurse by her side and he signalled to the driver to go faster. They sounded the alarm and sped all the way home. This was when we started to tell mum to keep awake because we are nearly home. Her eyes were closed and I saw that last tear trickling down the side of her face. There were no last words. Only the sounds of our cries and pleas. 

She was announced dead in the lift as we made our way up 17 floors. We lay her down to rest on her bed.

If I can go back 10 years, what would I change? Nothing. Well, it will be a lie to say I do not wish for her to be around right now. Yet, we cannot cheat death and her passing makes us who we are today. I live more fervently because I want to make this lifetime count. I see how fragile life is and I have to live by #YOLO, #HakunaMatata and #CarpeDiem. I do, however, wish to have one more day with her. To tell her something I bet she will be delighted to know, "I see your point now mom, now that I am a mom. I finally saw everything and every reason and every decision you make back then, now that I am a mom."

Archived Post:
18 March 2013 - A Letter to Mummy

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