In Primary School, I Had A Perpetrator Waiting For Me In The Toilet Too

Many of us were grief-stricken by the attack of a boy in River Valley High School which costs two lives and affected many others in the equation. 

The news triggered my own story which I am now opening up to tell. I, too, had a perpetrator lay in wait in the girls' toilet for his first victim to walk in. He was looking to outrage the modesty of a little girl who had to leave her class to use the loo.

Some memories were vivid and some were vague. 

I think I was in Primary Two.

In my Primary School, we had a rule that all girls were to go to the toilets in pairs. My best friend nudged at me in the middle of Big Book Story-Telling session in the English period, "Toilet?" I nodded and she raised her hand to seek permission. 

My toilet partner was fixed. Well, not fixed by our teachers. We decided on our own who we wanted come along. As little girls were, we always stick to our best friends and it was only natural we called each other  [let us call her Carissa] along whenever one of us needed to go.

In the 1980s, we were taught not to open doors to strangers [we still impart the same lessons today to our children] and we were also taught to not lock any doors behind us. You know? Just in case we get locked in?

So whenever Carissa and I go to the school's toilet, one of us would hold the door close with our hand [instead of locking it]. I remember I was the door watcher in our cubicle. As Carissa used the toilet, I had my back faced her and my hand on the door.

Suddenly, a man budged through and we were taken aback by the rude intrusion. I watched him lock our cubicle in horror. He Locked Us In! The idea of a locked door scared me because I was told how I could get stuck in the inside if the lock was fairly and erm... cannot be unlocked!

I cried immediately. A man is not supposed to be in a girls' toilet. I knew that and that was extremely frightful.

I remember crying uncontrollably to a point where I lost fragments of what went on in the middle of our assault. I shall share all that I can recall here; to create awareness on the importance of having a partner in toilet breaks. 

This man used his hand to cover my mouth very tightly to stop me from screaming. He told me that if I made another sound, he would kill me because, "I have a knife in my pocket. If you cry some more, I will kill the both of you." He had his hand in his pocket as if he was holding that knife.

I was only seven years old. Year 1989. 

Do I want to be killed? No I don't. 

Do I want Carissa to be harmed? No I don't.

I must have whimpered as softly as I could possibly had because no teachers came to our rescue. He reminded me that he would kill me before he pinned Carissa on the wall in our tiny cubicle to outrage her modesty. I was actually left alone with his back facing me!

I was still crying. I looked at them and I looked at the door. My heart was racing and my tears were hot as they ran down my cheeks. The thoughts that ran through my head were dizzying, "Should I crawl under the cubicle door to run out? Can I make it in time to unlock that door and run out to get help? Do I turn the knob left or right? What if I panicked and locked it further? What if I don't get out and he killed us both? Or I get out and he kills Carissa?" I even imagined if I could bite his hand if he points the knife at me or twist it away like the Chinese TV Dramas I watched with my mom on Channel 8 at 9pm daily. 

My legs couldn't move even when my mind was racing. I stood there, rooted to the ground. Helpless. 

Carissa was extremely brave. She did not cry nor did she scream. She protected both of us by staying calm and asking him a tonne of questions like an interrogator! 

"Who are you!"

"What is your name?"

"Where did you come from?"

"Why are you here?"

All I heard him say to her was, "Shut Up!" and he continued touching her. 

I want to be clear here that we were not raped. I do not remember him pulling his pants down and I would say this was a case of molest. I

The fearful me started wailing louder and louder. I think it was getting to a level which could have triggered someone's attention if they walked past. He fled. It was only on hindsight that I believe his knife in his pocket was a bluff because he left without warning and without killing us. 

The last thing he said was, "Don't tell anyone. Or else..."

To be honest, I do not know OR ELSE what? I remember Carissa telling me to not tell a single soul because she was also afraid of the OR ELSE. It took me some time to calm myself down before we went back to English class. 

As soon as I saw my teacher, I wanted so much to tell her what happened to us in that short toilet visit in a space which was supposedly safe for us children to be in. But I held back my tongue. We sat on the floor to listen to the rest of the Big Book Story-Telling session with tears welling in my eyes. I couldn't concentrate and then, the bell rang for recess. 

I couldn't eat. 

Carissa reminded me again to not tell anyone. We sat at the canteen table together and supported each other with our presence. Like a tap being turned on at full blast, I broke down. A prefect on duty approached me with her hand on my shoulders, asking me if I needed help. Nothing prepared her for what she was going to hear. She probably thought I fell or I missed mommy or a classmate bullied me. 

I was too scared to keep what happened to myself and I was probably not strong nor brave enough to bottle it in my heart. I told everything to that prefect and we did not attend class for the rest of the day. Our parents were called in, we were in the Principal's Office for the rest of the day and we were asked the same questions over and over and over again. It was a very tiring ordeal but I am glad Carissa and I had each other to piece up the whole story for investigations. She remembered some things I do not and vice versa.

Then my mom asked if I'd like to tell the police about it. 

Yes I do. I want to. 

Thirty-Two years later, this man was still not caught. 

You could say we had already put this behind us because Carissa and I now have our own families we would fight our lives for. If you are my personal friend or family, you'd probably know I can be tough and strong. Well, Carissa's even stronger than I am. She's amazing. 

I am just thankful we are both alive and happy today. Instead of harbouring a dark past that will put us in a difficult position as adults, mother and wife.

To be honest, we do not understand the word "Trauma" in those days. I do not remember going for counselling because that was not a thing in the past. There isn't someone we can talk to anonymously like what our children have today - TinkleFriend. Even when I wanted to elaborate on the story in the Principal's office, I was told to shut up. My parents wouldn't bring it up either because they do not know how to broach the subject. 

So I truly am grateful Carissa and I climbed ourselves out of this traumatic experience on our own. That we did not become fearful and depressed little girls who could have had been bruised mentally and emotionally from that incident. 

I cannot stress enough that Campus Security is so very crucial. So is the availability of Counselling and Support.

Should we be looking at allowing children going to school toilets in twos so that they can watch out for each other? I say Yes. Boys and Girls. An attack or assault may turn out differently when the child is not alone. 

Unfortunately, a person can easily climb over a fence, go in, do his/her thing and get out. Yes, CCTV can catch it but the assault or attack would already have been committed. 

Going to toilets in pairs, in my opinion, can make a perpetrator back off or rethink. Because one-on-one is so much easier to commit a crime than one-against-two. Even if the perpetrator doesn't back off, there's still an additional pair of eyes for witness, for support, or even to run to get help.

When Faye first entered Primary One, I sub-consciously asked her if the girls go to the toilets in twos? She told me everyone goes to the toilet on their own. 

I asked a few friends and they all shared that their children [or even themselves when they were in Primary School] go to the toilet on their own.

Maybe Campus Security should include having children watching out for each other on top of relying on locked gates, heightened security and CCTVs. It won't be a solution but it could be added security.

** Carissa gave me the go-ahead to share our story on my blog to create awareness on Campus Security, Counselling and Support.

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