Stop Judging - Five Things Non-Parents Should Never Say To New Parents

People, in general, pass judgements. There are those who look at you with disapproving eyes [the silent killers] and those who vocally share disparaging remarks [the I-Know-It-All]. Face it. It takes a lot of mindfulness to stop judging and we are all victims of it. The first step to become less judgemental is to give that person the benefit of doubt. Many times, things are not what they seem. Although judging is a natural instinct, we should try to keep a neutral stand on things.

We form negative perceptions almost immediately and it takes practice to always look for goodness in the other person. We must also understand that we judge because we measure the next person by our own standards. If we measured our life by how much help we need to sustain a family, then we will measure others by the same standard. If they seek help from grandparents or foreign domestic helpers to care for their home and children, we will judge them as incompetent or irresponsible. Is that fair? Not at all.

We have received many tips from family and friends about how we should parent. Are they always helpful? Here are five things non-parents should never say to new parents because positive support is definitely more welcomed than being shot down at trying to be something as overwhelming as being parents.

#1 Your baby is crying so hard! You should consider formula milk.
In all honesty, these new parents have no clue either! They are losing sleep, losing sanity and losing creative ways to calm their new-born. A baby communicates his displeasures by crying and anything from being too hot, too wet or too lonely can infuriate him. It is not always about an empty stomach. It is such a laborious job for a new mom to breastfeed her child exclusively. A remark like this can be seen as unsupportive, offensive and hurtful.

#2 Whatever happened to your home?
Sure. Your friend's home was a walk-in showroom. There was a vase of blue hydrangeas on the dining table, now filled with bills. The vintage carpet on their living room floor is now replaced with a bumper play mat. Walk carefully because you may step on a squeaky rubber ducky. You cannot accept the drastic change in your friend and exclaimed in shock, "This is such a mess!" Your friend becomes embarrassed and questions herself if she's even cut out to be a mother. Do not put her in such a position because support is key. Catering to the demands of a new-born is wearying and keeping the home tidy takes a backseat on the to-do list after caring for their baby and of themselves.

#3 You shouldn't let your child control your life.
They used to catch the latest blockbusters within the first week. Now, you can hardly get them out for a meal on Sunday. You get angered by their change in lifestyles and criticised them for allowing this to happen. Truth is, they are angry to see themselves losing their social lives as well! Be understanding when the baby's nap time is between 10am and 11am or 1pm and 3pm. They would rather be home putting the child to sleep because a cranky baby gives the parents a lot more trouble than you know.

#4 Why are you bringing your child out at this hour?
It is 10pm and you see a pair of parents strolling their new-born along Orchard Road. Totally appalled, you judged and gave them the most disapproving look. You assumed that the young parents wanted a date night and decided to keep the poor baby awake past his bedtime. Little did you know, this set of bone-tired parents have been trying to put their baby to sleep the past four hours and Eureka! They found out the only way to calm him down [from all that crying] was to go for a stroll.

#5 You are so lucky you get to nap with your baby.
This is the biggest misconception every non-parent has of new parents. A new-born nurses every two hours. The lucky ones take only 15 minutes to finish a feed. The not so lucky ones may take an hour. By the time the baby drifts into his nap, an hour had past and the new mother has only another hour to rest before he wakes again for his next feed. Unlike her baby, she will not be able to fall asleep immediately. There will be random thoughts drifting into her head and overtiredness can cause sleeping difficulties too. That, or there are chores she needs to complete before her precious hour is up. There are still bottles to wash, nappies to clear and clothes to wash - if that didn't cross your mind.

This clip by www.gov.sg is a perfect example of passing judgements. Impressions can change when you see the bigger picture. Follow them on Facebook for more insightful videos!

Like Us on Facebook if you enjoyed the read!

A stay at home mum, blogging to widen her social life. 
We want to echo the sound of love through our lives to inspire other mothers alike.