Marriage, An Intimate Dance Between Two

"A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time."

- Anne Taylor Fleming

You do not need to be a love guru to know that it takes two to make a marriage last. Yet, what does that actually mean? The real question is, "Have you been loving your partner correctly?"

Meyer and I, we've been a couple for half our lives now. 17 years to be exact. It is a lie to say that we haven't fought. I love him a lot but I got the meaning of love half wrong for a long while. I would throw him birthday surprises, write him a year's worth of diary, present him with a Me-Time voucher and bring him to DB Bistro. But, a big fat but,

1. He hates surprises
2. He read it once and that's it
3. He prefers We-Time
4. He just wants to eat Char Kway Teow

I had been giving him gifts that I adore thinking they will definitely make his day. It is best to give someone something that we like isn't it? No, never! I had been really proud of myself as I made plans for the surprises and celebrity-starred restaurants. It wasn't as though they were simple plans. Unfortunately, the right gift should be one that the receiver would appreciate. If he likes Char Kway Teow, then go for the best in town without the kids (since he prefers We-Time).

Ever since I realised the importance of this golden rule, we've been eating more fast foods (I hate 'em), watching action-packed movies together (I'm the Nicholas Sparks/Royston Tan kind of girl) and filling his days with more down-to-earth memories like this year's Father's Day. To put it across simply, target on each other's love languages. Some things got to give. Get it right though. If your husband's love language is Words of Affirmation and yours is Receiving Gifts, please (oh please) stop buying him presents just because you like to receive them. People tend to be confused on this one because of our selfish nature. What he needs is more of a pat on the back plus a "Good Job Darling". You can find out your love language here and the profiling takes about 10 to 15 minutes.

Meyer has a very giving nature. He thinks for me before himself and so, I am always kept happy (sometimes at his expense). I am thankful for that thoughtfulness. Recently, he gave me a gift I will never forget.

A Date With Dance

It was just a regular date that we thought we desperately needed and one that fulfilled both our needs. I got to do something I like and we got to spend quality time together (Quality Time is his Love Language). I sent him a text message sharing my enthusiasm towards Footwork, a da:ns festival initiative to discover the joy of movement through introductory dance classes. He went straight into the website and fearlessly agreed to go for it! These were one-off dance workshops designed for people with little or no experience in dance. At only $14 per person, it made an affordable yet cultivated date! There were many dance genres to choose from: Hip Hop, Latin Jazz, Cha Cha, K-Pop and the list goes on. I was over the moon when he agreed to do this and even displayed interest! Thus, I gave him the liberty to choose a class he might enjoy (even though I was secretly hoping for Ballet!). After all, he is doing this just to delight me.

I had dreamt about being a professional dancer growing up. One of many ambitions that I never fulfilled because I was not groomed properly into it. Meyer, he isn't one easily seen on the dance floor. In fact, we've never danced together before. I do not even know if he has two left feet to begin with.

Eventually, we went for Jive. He chose Jive.

I chose a dress for the date which I haven't worn for a very long time. The very first dress he bought me on our 8th dating anniversary. It was a special day and I wanted to look pretty for it.

I was nervous. We haven't connected with each other for a very long time. I felt weird, a little shy, looking straight into his eye as we practiced each step. Do I smile at him? Can he sense how awkward I felt? Not about the dance step but awkward about spending time together. Gosh! How could we lose it? Where was that passion we once had before we became parents? We spend so much time parenting our family now that we are moving further away from each other. We are here, right next to each other every single day but mentally, we are not. I am so glad we made this dance happen. I rediscovered us.

Credit: Esplanade - Theatres By The Bay

Credit: Esplanade - Theatres By The Bay

Credit: Esplanade - Theatres By The Bay

As we held hands, supporting each other in perfecting our jive steps, I felt that familiar sweaty palms wrapping over mine once again. Our hands were always full from holding Ewan's or carrying Faye. It felt nice to be clasping my husband's this time, albeit clammy. We held each other longer than just a quick hug. We laughed at our silliness. We frowned when we didn't get it right. We perspired when we tried too hard and we left the dance studio feeling proud of our achievement. And laughing.

The instructor said, "Gentlemen, lead the ladies."

When Meyer led me, I told him it was all wrong! He applied too much pressure on my hands and turned me for an underarm twirl at the wrong beat. I felt like I was dancing with an elephant when he got overly eager about getting it right. Oh funny! There was a point when he forgot to catch me back after my freestyle turn which nearly caused me a fall. There, we broke into a laugh. He was also trying too hard to perfect every step while all I wanted was to enjoy the dance. Our goals were different. As with marriage and life goals, each partner has their own ideals.

But all it took was a little bit of communication. At least we did not (even once) step on each other's feet or got kicked in the shins! We were surprisingly quite synchronised. We danced a duet and brought home a gift. I felt our love rekindled a bit.

Here's us having fun jiving to half the routine while we figure out certain steps and tempo. Not too shabby for beginners and jive dancing really isn't too hard. Gosh, we went for K-Pop as well and I want to totally forget that session. I think we enjoyed the classics a lot more. 

Marriage is just like dancing. It makes us work together as a team and provides an avenue to spend time alone without distractions (chores, children and jobs). Our verbal and non-verbal communications heighten as we pay attention to one another. You've seen seasoned dancers glide through the dance floor with ease and they turn together in perfect rhythm haven't you? The newbies, that's us, try our best at it and refrain as much as possible to waddle like penguins. Realise that this is the same in marriage. The seasoned dancers are those couples in their 40th married year and newbies, the newly-married (10 years seemed like a long time but there is still a lot to learn in a marriage). Nobody started out as great dancers. Being good at anything takes time and even more when there are two of us. Love is being selfless and giving your partner your time. When you dedicate your time, you are offering a part of your life that you will never get back. 

"Marriage is a dance.

You learn as you go."

It is only natural to have different interests and goals in each partner's life - this is where we dance our own solos. He goes for his bowling and tennis while I bring my children out for social brunches and playdates. He is probably as relieved as I am for not requiring to be his ball game partner as he is to mine, when it comes to baby playdates. However, too many solos repel relationships as well. Always come home to a duet. Neglect is the first step to Good-byes.

I am no expert but I know what we can do to make our marriage last without stepping too much on one another's feet.

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There are two more weekends left to join the Footwork workshops! 

Spaces for Adult & Youth are still available for: 

03 Oct, Sat: 2pm Hip Hop II 

03 Oct, Sat: 4pm Lyrical Hip Hop II 

03 Oct, Sat: 6pm Brazilian Zouk 

04 Oct, Sun: 4pm Bollywood 

04 Oct, Sun: 6pm Bellydance

Spaces for Twinkle Toes (aged 3 to 6 years old) are still available for:

04 Oct, Sun: 10:30am Ballet Baby 

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For two weekends only in October 2015, Esplanade will be presenting to the public, What's Your Move? during the da:ns festival. It is a free mass dance session at Esplanade Waterfront where you can try out some moves with your partner as you dance in the moonlight. Waltz, Lindy Hop, Tango, Salsa! Choose your dance style and turn up for an evening of fun; rekindle that love. What say you? 

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A stay at home mum, blogging to widen her social life. We want to echo the sound of love through our lives to inspire other mothers alike.